Tom Waits Album

Well they call me William The Pleaser
I sold opium, fireworks and lead
Now I'm telling my troubles to strangers
When the shadows get long I'll be dead

Now her hair was as black as a bucket of tar
Skin was as white as a cuttlefish bone
I left Texas to follow Lucinda
Now I'll never see heaven or home

I made a wish on silver of moonlight
A sly grin and a bowl full of stars
Like a kid who captures a firefly
And leaves it only to die in the jar

As I kick at the clounds at my hanging
As I swing out over the crowd
I will search every face for Lucinda's
And she will off with me down to hell

I thought I'd broke loose of Lucinda
The rain returned and so did the wind
I cast this burden on the god that's within me
I leave this old world and go free

The devil dances inside empty pockets
But she never wanted money or pearls
No, that wasn't enough for Lucinda
She wasn't that kind of girl

Now I've fallen from grace for Lucinda
Whoever thought that hell would be so cold
I did well for an old tin can sailor
But she wanted the bell in my soul

I've spoken to God on the mountain
And I've swam in the Irish sea
I ate fire and drank from the Ganges
And I'll beg there for mercy for me

I thought I'd broke loose of Lucinda
The rain returned and so did the wind
I was standing outside the Whitehorse
Oh but I was afraid to go in

I heard someone pull the trigger
Her breasts heaved in the moonlight again
There was a smear of gold in the window
And then I was the jewel of her sin

They call me William The Pleaser
I sold opium, fireworks and lead
Now I'm telling my troubles to strangers
When the shadows get long I'll be dead

Now her hair was as black as a bucket of tar
Skin was as white as a cuttlefish bone
I left Texas to follow Lucinda
Now I'll never see heaven or home
No I'll never see heaven or home
No I'll never see heaven or home

[No lyrics]

We sail tonight for Singapore
We're all as mad as hatters here
I've fallen for tawny moor
Took off to the land of Nod
Drank with all the Chinamen
Walked the sewers of Paris
I danced along a colored wind
Dangled from a rope of sand
You must say goodbye to me

We sail tonight for Singapore
Don't fall asleep while you're ashore
Cross your heart and hope to die
When you hear the children cry.
Let marrow bone and cleaver choose
While making feet for children shoes
Through the alley
Back from Hell
When you hear that steeple bell
You must say goodbye to me.

Wipe him down with gasoline
Till his arms are hard and mean,
From now on boys this iron boat's your home
So heave away boys.

We sail tonight for Singapore
Take your blankets from the floor
Wash your mouth out by the door
The whole town is made of iron ore
Every witness turns to steam
They all become Italian dreams
Fill your pockets up with earth
Get yourself a dollar's worth
Away boys, away, boys, heave away

The captain is a one-armed dwarf
He's throwing dice along the wharf
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is King
So take this ring

Repeat First Verse

Molly be damned smote Jimmy the Harp
With a horrid little pistol and a lariat
She's goin to the bottom
And she's goin down the drain
Said she wasn't big enough to carry it

She got to get behind the Mule
In the morning and plow
She got to get behind the Mule
In the morning and plow
She got to get behind the Mule
In the morning and plow
She got to get behind the Mule
In the morning and plow

Choppity chop goes the axe in the woods
You gotta meet me by the fall down tree
Shovel of dirt upon a coffin lid
And I know they'll come lookin for me boys
And I know they'll come a-lookin for me

Got to get behind the Mule
In the morning and plow
Got to get behind the Mule
In the morning and plow
Got to get behind the Mule
In the morning and plow
Got to get behind the Mule
In the morning and plow

Big Jack Earl was 8'1
He stood in the road and he cried
He couldn't make her love him
Couldn't make her stay
But tell the good Lord that he tried
(Chorus)
Dusty trail from Atchison to Placerville
On the wreck of the Weaverville stage
Beaula fired on Beatty for a lemonade
I was stirring my brandy with a nail boys
Stirring my brandy with a nail
(Chorus)
Well the rampaging sons of the widow James
Jack the cutter and the pock marked kid
Had to stand naked at the bottom
Of the cross
And tell the good lord what they did
Tell the good lord what they did
(Chorus)
Punctuated birds on the power line
In a Studebaker with the Birdie Joe Joaks
I'm diggin all the way to China
With a silver spoon
While the hangman fumbles with the noose, boys
The hangman fumbles with the noose
(Chorus)
Pin your ear to the wisdom post
Pin your eye to the line
Never let the weeds get higher
Than the garden
Always keep a sapphire in your mind
Always keep a diamond in your mind
(Chorus)

(Tom Waits and Kathleen Brennan)

There's a crooked street in Houston town,
It's a well born path I've traveled down
Now there's ruin in my name, I wish I never got off the train,
I wished I'd listened to the words you said.

Don't go down to Fannin Street
Don't go down to Fannin Street
Don't go down to Fannin Street
You'll be lost and never found
You can never turn around
Don't go down to Fannin Street

Once I held you in my arms, I was sure
But I took that silent stare through the guilded door
The desire to have much more, all the glitter and the roar,
I know this is where the sidewalk ends.

Don't go down to Fannin Street
Don't go down to Fannin Street
Don't go down to Fannin Street
You'll be lost and never found
You can never turn around
Don't go down to Fannin Street

When I was young I thought only of getting out
I said goodbye to my street, goodbye to my house
Give a man gin, give a man cards, give an inch he takes a yard,
And I rue the day that I stepped off this train.

Don't go down to Fannin Street
Don't go down to Fannin Street
Don't go down to Fannin Street
You'll be lost and never found
You can never turn around
Don't go down to Fannin Street.

(Tom Waits/K. Brennan)

What does it matter, a dream of love
Or a dream of lies
We're all gonna be in the same place
When we die
Your spirit don't leave knowing
Your face or your name
And the wind through your bones
Is all that remains
And we're all gonna be
We're all gonna be
Just dirt in the ground

The quill from a buzzard
The blood writes the word
I want to know am I the sky
Or a bird
'Cause hell is boiling over
And heaven is full
We're chained to the world
And we all gotta pull
And we're all gonna be
Just dirt in the ground

Now the killer was smiling
With nerves made of stone
He climbed the stairs
And the gallows groaned
And the people's hearts were pounding
They were throbbing, they were red
As he swung out ofver the crowd
I heard the hangman said
We're all gonna be
Just dirt in the ground

Now Cain slew Abel
He killed him with a stone
The sky cracked open
And the thunder groaned
Along a river of flesh
Can these dry bones live?
Ask a king or a beggar
And the answer they'll give
Is we're all gonna be
Yea yeah
We're all gonna be just
Dirt in the ground

Well Pale Face said
To the Eyeball Kid
She just goes clank and boom and steam
A halo, wings, horns and a tail
Shoveling coal inside my dreams
There are no laws
She's made of cream
She's such a scream

Qui bon tres bien, nails in cement
A Donnie gal from mortal clay
The plow is red
THe well is full inside
The dollhouse of her skull
A cheetah coat fills up with steam
She's such a scream

All crooked lines
Her fireplace
A milktrain so clean
Machine gun haste
You'll ride the only wall of shame
And drag that chain across the state
Her lips are red
She is the queen
She's such a scream

[No lyrics]

(Tom Waits/K. Brennan)

Well I'm goin' out west
Where the wind blows tall
'Cause Tony Franciosa
Used to date my ma
They got some money out there
They're giving it away
I'm gonna do what I want
Do what I want
And I'm gonna get paid

Little brown sausages
Lying in the sand
I ain't no extra baby
I'm a leading man
Well my parole officer
WIll be proud of me
With my Olds 88
And the devil on a leash
My Olds 88
And the devil on a leash

Well I kno karate, Voodoo too
I'm gonna make myself available to you
I don't need no make up
I got real scars
I got hair on my chest
I look good without a shirt

Well I don't lose my composure
In a high speed chase
Well my friends think I'm ugly
I got a masculine face
I got some dragstrip courage
I can really drive a bed
I'm gonna change my name
To Hannibal or maybe
Just Rex
Change my name to Hannibal
Or maybe just Rex

I'm gonna drive all night
Take some speed
I'm gonna wait for the sun
To shine down on me
I cut a hole in my roof
In the shape of a heart

And I'm goin' out west
Where they'll appreciate me
Goin' out west
Goin' out west

[No lyrics]

You dance real slow
You wreck it down
You walk away, then you
Turn around

What did that old blonde
Gal say?
That is the part...
You throw away

I want that beggars eyes
A winning horse
A tidy Mexican divorce

St. Mary's prayers
Houdini's Hands
And a Barman who always
Understands

Will you loose the flowers
Hold on to the vase
Will you wipe all those teardrops
Away from your fase
I can't help thinking
As I close the door
I have done all of this
Many times before

The bone must go
The wish can stay
The kiss don't know
What the lips will say

Forget I've hurt you
Put stones in your bed
And remember to never
Mind instead

Well all of your letters
Burned up in the fire
Time is just memory
Mixed in with Desire
That's not the road it is
Only the map...I say
Gone just like matches
From a closed down cabaret
In a Portuguese Saloon
A fly is a circling around
The room
You'll soon forget the
Tune that you play
For that is the part
You throw away
Ah, that is the part
You throw away

Long way going to
get my medicine
Sky’s the autumn grey of a lonely wren

Piano from a window played
Gone tomorrow, gone yesterday

I found it in the street
At first I did not see
Lying at my feet
a trampled rose

Passing the hat in church
It never stops going around

You never pay just once
to get the job done

What I done to me,
I done to you
What happened to the trampled rose?

In the muddy street
with the fireworks and leaves

A blind man with a cup I asked
Would he sing 'Kisses Sweeter Than Wine'

I know that rose,
like I know my name
The one I gave my love,
it was the same
Now I find it in the street,
a trampled rose

Are you ready!?
Are you ready!?
Are you ready!?

Knocky Parker told Bowlegged Sal
They all know how to kick it in Cal
They're playing this dope and this-a money tune
Dancing baby with a 7 mile broom
Things are bulging out the rafters like hell
Down there at the Hush Hotel
They’re jumping right out of their seats,
dancing to the bran’ new beat

Do……the Metropolitan Glide
Do……the Metropolitan Glide

The floor is polished and your momma's gone
You can quake and roll and moan
29 gypsies in a Cadillac stoned
Turn off the ringer on your cellular phone
Whip the air like a Rainbow Trout
Drag your tail pipe till you bottom out

Do……the Metropolitan Glide
Do……the Metropolitan Glide

Hey! Hey!

Do……the Metropolitan Glide

The low bottom of the China moon
The black swan and the way too soon
Ace pocket and the dog bone gone
The peacock and the mean black swan
The rain shower and high heeled shoe
Bombay money and I know I can do it
The sink hole and the victory dance
It's in the pocket in the real tight pants

Do.... the Metropolitan Glide
Do.... the Metropolitan Glide

Hey!

The Metropolitan!
The Metropolitan!

Show your teeth, bray like a calf
You kill me with your machine gun laugh
You make me trouble with the floor that’s creaking
I’ve been ready to ka-boom for a week
Put on your stockings and your powder and blush
Keep it all on the hush, hush, hush

Do..... the Metropolitan Glide
Do..... the Metropolitan Glide
Do..... the Metropolitan Glide
Do..... the Metropolitan Glide
The Metropolitan!

Do..... the Metropolitan Glide
Do..... the Metropolitan Glide

I'll shoot the moon
Right out of the sky
For you baby
I'll be the pennies
On your eyes
For you baby

I want to take you
Out to the fair
Here's a red rose
Ribbon for your hair

I'll shoot the moon
Right out of the sky
For you baby
I'll shoot the moon
For you

A vulture circles
Over your head
For you baby
I'll be the flowers
After you're dead
For you baby

I want to build
A nest in your hair
I want to kiss you
And never be there

I'll shoot the moon
Right out of the sky
For you baby
I'll shoot the moon
For you

Lay your head where my heart used to be
Hold the earth above me
Lay down in the green grass
Remember when you loved me

Come closer don't be shy
Stand beneath a rainy sky
The moon is over the rise
Think of me as a train goes by

Clear the thistles and brambles
Whistle 'Didn't He Ramble'
Now there's a bubble of me
and it's floating in thee

Stand in the shade of me
Things are now made of me
The weather vane will say:
It smells like rain today

God took the stars and he tossed 'em
Can't tell the birds from the blossoms
You'll never be free of me
He'll make a tree from me

Don't say good bye to me
Describe the sky to me
And if the sky falls, mark my words
we'll catch mocking birds

Lay your head where my heart used to be
Hold the earth above me
Lay down in the green grass
Remember when you loved me

She took all my money
and my best friend
You know the story
Here it comes again
I have no pride
I have no shame
You gotta make it rain
Make it rain!

Since you're gone
deep inside it hurts
I'm just another sad guest
on this dark earth

I want to believe
in the mercy of the world again
Make it rain, make it rain!

The nite's too quiet
Stretched out alone
I need the whip of thunder
and the wind's dark moan

I’m not Able, I'm just Cain
Open up the heavens
Make it rain!

I’m close to heaven
Crushed at the gate
They sharpen their knives
on my mistakes

What she done, you can't give it a name
You gotta make it rain
Make it rain, yeah!

Without her love
Withour your kiss
Hell can’t burn me
more than this
I’m burning up all this pain
Put out the fire
Make it rain!

I’m born to trouble
I’m born to fate
Inside a promise
I can’t escape
It’s the same old world
But nothing looks the same
Make it rain!
Make it rain!

Got to make it rain
Make it rain
You got to make it rain
Got to make it rain
You got to...

I stand alone here!
I stand alone here!
Sing it:
Make it rain!
Make it rain!

[No lyrics]

The prettiest girl
In all the world
Is in a little Spanish town
But I left her for a Bonnie lass
And I told her
I'd see her around
But that Bonnie lass
And her heart of glass
Would not hold a candle

To bumming around
So don't cry for me
For I'm going away
And I'll be back some lucky day

Tell the boys back home
I'm doing just fine
I left my troubles and woe
So sing about me
For I can't come home
I've many more miles to go

Why, there's Miss Kelsey
You taught dance at our school
And old Johnny O'Toole
I'll still beat you at pool
So don't cry for me
For I'm going away
ANd I'll be back some lucky day

Now when I was a boy
My daddy sat me on his knee
And he told me
He told me many things
And he said sone
There's a lot of things in this world
You're gonna have no use for
ANd when you get blue
And you've lost all your dreams
There's nothin' like a campfire
And a can of beans

Why, there's Miss Kelsey
She taught dance at our school
And old Johnny O'Toole
I'll still beat you at pool
So don't cry for me
For I'm going away
And I'll be back some lucky day

Okay, alright, thank you, alright… now we can chat a bit. Okay, um, this is really weird. You know, vultures, I've seen a lot of vultures since I've entered the Texas border, a lot of vultures. The interesting thing about vultures is that, well, the reason they spend so much time in the air is because they're so light because they eat so infrequently. So they're mostly feathers, so a lot of times you'll see them doing this and you'll think “Oh, he's probably going to land soon and eat,” but a lot of times he's thinking to himself “How the fuck am I gonna get down there?” Now here's the sad part and imagine if you had to make the same choice yourself. After dining, and frankly most vultures that are injured, this is according to the Bird Rescue… most vultures that are injured were injured while dining. That's kinda sad… to be hit by a car while you're eating, but the problem is that once they've landed and they'd eaten a lot, they eat so much cause they eat so infrequently, they eat so much that they can't take off without throwing up. I know, that's tough… so what a choice, you know, you just had a big meal and you have to lose the whole damn thing just to get back up in the sky again. I think of that all the time when I'm having hard times.

Here's another interesting thing about them, the gas company has started using them to spot gas leaks in the field, because, well… think about it. They think it's a dead animal but it's just a gas leak, you know, so they gather… anyway, I find it interesting anyway. Okay, enough about me. Okay, uh, one last thing… you know during World War II, they made, this is in Germany… they made a soup, like an alphabet soup, only instead of the alphabet it was swastikas and they called it pastika soup and apparently it was very popular in Berlin. I'm sorry about that one too.

Okay, here's something really interesting, I found interesting anyway. You know, rats don't eat because they are hungry… they're just grinding down their teeth, and if you don't believe that, well… my dad found a rat in a room, a concrete room where there was absolutely nothing to eat, not even a rock… and he'd been in there for two weeks and hadn't had nothing to eat. What happened with his lower teeth is they'd grown through the roof of his mouth and had come out through the top of his head and his uppers had gone down through his chin and they looked like a little goatee. I know, I know… it's hard to find people that are as interested in these things as I am.

One last thing. Now, they found out that elephants in India, you know they have to wear a big bell around their necks so people know where they are all the time, and you can imagine how fucking annoying that must be, you know, especially in the middle of the night when you're hungry. So now, elephants scoop up a big hunk of mud and they stick it in the bell to dampen the clapper and then they go off in the middle of the night and steal bananas. Pretty good.

Okay, well… we were in Oklahoma for a while, boy it's weird in Oklahoma… well it's weird everywhere if you think of it like that but in Oklahoma, they've got laws, there's laws down there that are still on the books that they feel compelled to enforce. That's what bothers me and I'm not traveling with an attorney so it makes it difficult, you know, you can't wash your car on Sunday using wooled underwear, especially if you are wearing an unusual haircut. I never got the connection there between the haircut and the underwear… the other thing that's weird is that chewing tobacco is strictly enforced, that took some getting used to. Uh, what else? You can't photograph a rabbit in the middle of the week for some reason, it's okay on the weekends, I guess they like it better on the weekends… I don't get it. The other thing is you can't eat some place that is also on fire. That really limited our choices. Okay, uh, let's see… there's something else, here's another weird one… you can't get a fish drunk in Oklahoma. They just had a lot of problems with that, they finally had to put an end to it… and you can't make a monkey smoke a cigarette, that's the other thing… I know, I know, I know…

Okay, let's see. Do you know that shrimp, this is really disturbing though, but shrimp... they never give anything to charity. I've never known a shrimp to give anything to charity and it's always bothered me and finally someone told me that basically they're shellfish and it's gonna happen… okay, I knew I went too far with that. Thank you for putting a stop to it. Okay, does anybody out there have a parrot? Do you own a parrot is the question. Does anybody in the whole audience own a parrot? Okay, well then you can understand why I went on E-Bay and bought a year's supplies of parrot diapers. Man, I'm telling you… parrots, I like the conversations; I like the fellowship, but damn… get a grip. Here's a theory that I have and I'll run it by you because you're here… my theory is that if everybody in China, on the very same day, at the very same time, on the very same day, got up on a ladder and jumped as high as they could and came down on the ground, you know, that it would throw the whole Earth off its axis. I haven't been able to get anybody to go with me with that, like the United Nations or anything… uh, anyway, we should be ready on our side. We'll pick a day, buy a ladder, get ready… uh, just to keep things… okay.

Okay, what else? Oh, the graveyard shift. Now, when I was a kid I always worked jobs at night and I always had graveyard shifts and everybody kind of threw that expression around very loosely and I wondered what the hell is a graveyard shift is anyway? Other than the fact that you're working at night, okay I know that much, but what's the origin of the expression graveyard shift? And then I worked for a while in a graveyard and my boss, Joe Corvello, he explained it to me. What happened in the old days, way, way, way back, hundreds of years ago, people were very nervous about being buried alive, not anymore nervous than we are today it's just that the technology was not really with it, you could be taking a nap and they'd fucking bury you. So, there was a law that everybody who got buried had to have a string tied around their wrist in the coffin and then they'd run it up through the roof of the coffin and then they'd go up through the dirt and then they'd go over the branch of a tree on which they'd put a bell… and then there's a guy who sits in the graveyard all night long waiting to hear a bell… that's the graveyard shift. You'll like this one too… the bell and the whole apparatus and everything, you know if you find the guy who actually is alive and underground, he's called a dead ringer. I'm not kidding.

You know, about a year ago… this is really weird and I don't tell everybody this… during the summer I ingested some pond water, you know, and it's the weirdest thing… a couple of days later I started to feel something moving in there. I thought, am I pregnant? I don't know… Anyway, several months went by and I finally had to go to the doctor and they put an ultrasound on me and they found three toads in my stomach… oh boy. But you know they're off to themselves, they're off to one side, and you know… why put them on such a bummer… it's only a drag when we're watching television and they get really loud and other than that, you know, I'm fine with it, it's just a thing.

Okay, who has the largest brain in proportion to its body? No, no, no… the ant, swear to god. Who has the largest penis in proportion to its body? No, no, no, no… the barnacle, thank you. Okay, we'll get on to some actual songs in a minute here… there are more insects in one square mile of Earth then there are people on the entire Earth, think about that, more insects in one square mile than there are people! Imagine if they got to vote or drivers licenses or anything… now, um, you know what the moon smells like? (People yell: “cheese!”) Wrong again, you'll love this… fireworks. That's what Neil Armstrong told me, “It smells just like fireworks, man.” And it makes perfect sense, doesn't it? That's where we've been shooting them for all these years. He says it's just crazy up there with the fireworks… Do you know how many omelets you can get out of an ostrich egg? Fourteen… that's a lot of omelets. I've gotten along with most of the ostriches I met and um okay… let's see…

Here's one… you know the word “bamboozled”… didn't you ever wonder what the hell they mean when they say “bamboozled”… well way, way, way back, thousands of years ago in China when you got busted for something, they take a piece of bamboo and they'd whack you. You know if you took like fourteen candy bars, you get fourteen whacks. You see the connection though? Bamboozled, bamboo, bamboo, bamboozled… okay, that's all. One last thing about Sara Bernhardt, the famous American actress… hey, she was a babe, man… she was a total babe. She had her own train car, she slept in a coffin and when she was seventy, she was playing Juliet, babe. Think about that, Juliet… at seventy… and she lost a leg and when she lost her leg, Barnum and Bailey bought her leg, of course… and put it in formaldehyde and charged like, six, eight bucks to come see it. And that was depressing for her, of course… cause she was working across the street, you know, the full her… and to know that your leg is over there making more money than you was so depressing for her… but that's the business, that's the business that we're in. One day, Moe Green got a bullet in the eye but this is the business that we're in. (Man yells: “Hey Tom, I want to have your baby.” Oh Jesus… well you know, nowadays, I think it's possible. See my manager, Stuart Ross, but I gotta tell you, my sperm is very expensive now. I'm like a fucking race horse, baby.

Have you've wondered why you can never swat a fly? How do they know we're coming? They don't know what a swatter is. Do they say “Yeah, swatter coming, swatter coming…”They have no idea what a swatter is. I'll tell you what happens… they take off backwards. It's that simple… they've taken off backwards their entire lives… okay, that's all. (Audience members yelling) Uh, my health? My health is fine… you know what, write it down and pass it forward and I'll take a look at it.

Anyway, Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon who actually walked on the moon and the guy right behind him on the ladder going down to get to the surface of the moon, now that was Buzz Aldrin… he said “Neil, you are the first man to walk on the moon… I am the very first man to wet his pants on the moon.” He said that, really, he did. He said it to me personally. I know Neil and I know Buzz, so there… and you don't… okay. But then again, Science Magazine said that the compression of actual moon rocks, the closest thing that they can find on Earth that is closest to the compression of the rocks from the moon is provolone cheese or Vermont cheddar… I'm not shitting you, I wouldn't shit you… and pig fetuses, you know, they are injecting pig fetuses now with human hormones because they want to use their organs to transplant them into humans so they want to give them some kind of humanistic juice in there so that when the transfer happens, it'll be a little more commensurate with the… it's crazy. But now pigs, the fetuses are being born with strangely human faces… one looked just like my Uncle Phil, exactly like my Uncle Phil, even Phil said it looked like him. Ok, I know, I know… we'll get on, we'll get on, we'll get on… What was that for? Because we're getting on, right? Oh, I see… you're trying to push me into a song… I know that trick. You know the problem here? The problem here is you guys have never worked together before and you have no actual elected officials so it's kind of like the early days of America, you know, and everybody's kind of yelling shit out and somebody's going “Shut up, shut up…” What? See… you have no President; this is what we call Marshall law.

Ah, okay, do you want another little story or a song? What do you want? That sounded like a cross between a story and a song… you see you can't get all in line… get in line, babe. Okay, alright, it's up to me, that's it… I'm gonna have to take over… Oh, oh, way down in Oklahoma we went to the Spam museum, that was really amazing. They've got stuff carved out of Spam, they have portraits of people carved out of Spam… never seen anything like it, but as a Spam fan, I took some of that home with me and I got some of that in my living room and all like little portraits, you know, and “Whoa, whoa… what is that Tom, what is that?” and I said: “Whoa, it's Spam, it's Spam”. The thing is it never really deteriorates, the smell is not like it's decomposing… it's impossible for it to decompose… and that's what you're smelling is really the freshness of it, the eternal freshness of it… it's kind of embalmed meat is what it really is… what? Oh, oh, oh…I read today that one out of every ten men is important. One out of every ten… and then I realized I read it wrong, I went back and it said “One out of every ten men is impotent”. I don't know how I changed… I left the R out… so which are you, are you important or are you impotent? I guess that's all there is to choose from.

I don't know about you but I spent my entire day at the lost baggage center, you know, have you ever been over there? Fascinating… how they advertise it… things from all over the world… at incredible prices. Its lost baggage is basically what it is… if you ever have lost a bag, your bag is there being sold to somebody else… and it's right here in Birmingham, I swear to God. So, here's the ironic thing… I flew in to go to the last baggage center early so that I could shop for basically underwear and socks and they lost my bag. Isn't that crazy? Okay… here's one that maybe you'll like… spiders, spiders, our little eight legged friends, the spider… when the male spider is done building his web, you know those elaborately beautiful webs that they build at night while you're sleeping and you wake up in the morning and it's glistening and beautiful like that… when he's done building the web, he reaches out one of his legs… we assume it's a leg that he's reaching out, not certain but we assume it's a leg… and he strums the web and the sound that that makes… that's not the actual sound, how could I know the actual sound? But it's not bad, is it? I mean, if you were a female spider, you'd be like… anyway, what happens is that the sound that the web makes is irresistible to the female spider and she comes… some of them come in from different states when they hear that and they get in line for the big guy. Anyway, it's just kind of a kooky thing that happens in the world.

In Oklahoma, you can get in trouble for kissing a stranger. Think about that, I mean you can go to jail for kissing a stranger. I mean, we're all strangers at a certain point, how could the world continue if somebody didn't kiss a stranger, right? But, uh, I travel with an attorney so… here's another thing; you know that a mink and an ermine are the same thing? And you know that a mink and an ermine are all members of the weasel family? And if you see a beautiful woman wearing a mink, you can walk right up to her and say “I love your weasel.” And she can't slap you… I mean, theoretically she can't slap you. I would do it with an attorney present at all times… so every time in the world there's a male ejaculation, I know that's a tough word so from now on we're just gonna say “it”… whenever “it” happens, it releases two hundred and fifty million sperm… now only one of those sperm obviously can actually fertilize the egg… so if you're here, you're already a winner. You know what I mean? That's the way I see it.

Okay, here's a little story for everybody now… you know what really gets me? I was in a community, let's just say it was a bad neighborhood and I used to refer to it and I'd say 9th and Hennepin, boy, 9th and Hennepin… here's what bothers me, they really cleaned the place up and every time I said 9th and Hennepin, people looked at me like I was doing card tricks for a dog… and some guy would say “You know my wife, she got some sandals down there… they have a little frozen yogurt place”. And I went: “You could get killed for sandals down there!”
Anyway… okay, you know I've always been a word guy, I like weird words and I like American slang and all that and words that are no longer being used… I like to drag them out of the box and wave them around… this is an interesting one, it's amazing how in addition to punctuation just a little pause in the wrong place can just completely transform the meaning of something. I'll give you a really good example… you know, you're at the ball game and you got your hot dog and you look around and say “Where are all the condiments?” and they point over there and you go “Oh, okay there's the condiments.” I'm so glad that they said it like that because when I said it I heard “Where are the condom mints?” That's just me and I have to live with me. I didn't say it back to her or she would have slapped me but then I thought that's not a bad idea… someone could get a hold of something like that and come up with a whole new product… I just offer it to you tonight and we'll just wait and see what happens.

I made one really ridiculous purchase… you know this is really weird… somebody took a picture of me and they got a picture of my watch, you know, and they said “Well he was wearing a really ratty suit but I think he had about $300,000 watch on. I really got a kick out of that… $9.99 at CVS, but hey, if it looks like $300,000, it is! I'm in show business. (Audience member yells: play everything!) Everything? Play everything? I don't have that much time. I was out there earlier and I sat in some of those chairs you're sitting in now… pretty damn comfortable, maybe a little too comfortable. You have your own TV? You mean in the chair? You see some of the seats are better than others… she has a VCR and an I-Pod thing you can hook into. Does your chair vibrate? That's the vibrating chair. I heard it's against the law to have an unusual haircut here… and you can't buy booze without a note from your wife. That's really weird… I travel with an attorney, of course…

Here's another thing… a little food thing. You know how every time you get a piece of fish they give you a little piece of lemon with it and everybody thinks that it's because the flavor is so much better with lemon on it… untrue. The idea was when people ate fish originally, they were so afraid of ingesting bones and having the bone caught in their throat and dying, somebody told them if you put a little lemon in your mouth after you have a bite of fish, it will kill the bone, it'll dissolve the bone, it'll just disintegrate the bone, which of course is total bullshit but that's what happened and now we've got lemon and fish and all that… I had a math teacher when I was a kid whose name was Mr. Falby and he had a piece of fish during a test we were having and he choked on a fish bone and he died in the middle of our math test… it was kind of an answer to a prayer that I made earlier. It wasn't that specific… I didn't mention anything about the fish or the bone or even on that day… but we have a connection I guess.

I'm sorry, what? You're still working at the airport? I'm happy for you. I'll see you on our way out. Here's a deal… pardon me? Piano is just on beer and wine now. You know what really bothers me is when somebody tells you that their cell phone is also a camera. I just hate that. What's wrong with having something that's just what it is and being happy about it? It makes me want to say to them… “My sunglasses are also a tricycle.” But I don't… okay, we've been traveling for about two months now so the laws change from community to community. It's just bizarre the kind of laws that are still on the books… that's one of the laws here in Edinbourough that you can no longer order eggs and sausage and it's sad but it's just the way it happened with that new mayor. What do we have, what do we have, what do we have? Oh we were gonna try and do this one, we'll see, this is um…

(Plays song)