The Lonely Island Album

(Spoken) Hey yo, check this out. I was just at the club right, heard these two dudes talking, one of them said to the other one, that they knew someone, who said you guys are wack!

(Who said we're wack?)
You said we're wack?
You take it back!
(Who said we're wack?)
You talkin' smack?
You gonna get smacked.
(You're sayin' that we're wack but it just ain't so.)

Someone said we're wack!
Why would they say that?
I don't think we're wack.
Who said we're wack?
Who said we're wack?
I can't believe that.
They must be smoking crack,
To say that we're wack.
Say that we're wack?
You'll probably get smacked.
If you say we're wack.
Did you say we're wack?

(Who said we're wack?)
I'll paint your eye black,
Once I check my facts.
(Who said we're wack?)

How could a person up and call a person wack?
How could the devil turn the blue sky black?
How many babies born will ever reach their dreams?
And how could a person call another person wack?

Heard a rumor, that someone said we're wack.
I think that it's wack, to call someone wack.
I am not wack, no matter what you say,
What did you say? Did you say I'm wack?

All the ladies in the house put your hands up!
All the fellas in the house put your hands up!
Now whoever said we're wack put your hand up!
Now everyone else put your hands down!

(Spoken) Oh, there he is, there he is.

What is that Cristal?
No,
Dom P?
Hell no!
This is that Carlos Santana champagne,
Oh shit, Santana DVX? thats my joint.
Mine too, but a lot of these busters don't know about it.
Well lets tell these mother fuckers!

As a kid,
i used to lay awake and think,
when was Santana gonna make a drink?
but now I'm all grown and my dream came true.
Santana champagne from him to you.

From the heart of Napa Valley and the guitar king,
comes the sparkling wine to make a blind man sing,
Yo its the champagne from the man with the bandana,
I cant stand a food with anything but Santana

Whats the first name in champ?
Its Carlos!
And to that man i propose a toast
In the sixties he had lotsa freebie sex,
but now hes gettin down with the DVX.

Excuse me fellas,
Am i to understand that Carlos Santana has made a champagne?
Thats right mother fucker, here try it...
Alright,
Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh shhhitttt!

I feel alive for the first time,
Each sip hits my lip like a landmine,
Without Carlos in my life, I was livin’ a lie
He makes his guitar weep, but his champagne cry!
He’s a southwest, tie-wearin’ bolo-champ
Comin’ straight out the box with a bowl o’ champ
Yo he a beast with the sugar and yeast, mix it in pots
Like the way his release mixes jazz, blues and pop
Add the sauce of fusion, his ladies super deucing (?)
And he teamed with Rob Thomas for a music revolution
On the seventh day, it’s been said God rests,
But on the eighth day he made the DVX!

Gentlemen, gentlemen what is all the hub-ub about?
Carlos Santana?!
That’s right I see you bitches is enjoying my sparkling wine
We certainly are
Well be careful because this shit will get you fucked up!
Bitch!

I’m like no other, one of a kind, my sparkling wine
Santana DVX make you wanna have sex
I’m rich bitch, I’m having my chips
Get laid all the time, by seventies chicks
Won hella Grammies, bitches throw me their panties
I’m prolly your daddy, probly nutted in your mammy
I’m a Bay boy, city life, been around the corner
Try to play me foul and my vipers’ll run up on ya
A legend, a boss, that’s what I are
Accidentally pimped, tryna be killin the guitar
Not young enough to know better, but young enough to not care
I get actin’, might slap a bitch with my hair
West coast, up top I bang that shit
I fucked her line and popped Cristal on her lip
Can’t stop, won’t stop getting my bread
Arenas and coliseums, now watch me shred

OH CARLOS SANTANA!

A monkey drank a bottle and learned to speak
A squid drank a bottle and became a freak
A lion drank a bottle and forgot how to growl
A horse drank a bottle, and fucked a cow

Lock eyes from across the room
down my drink while the rhythms boom
take your hand and skip the names
no need here for the silly games
make our way through the smoke and crowd
the club is the sky and I'm on your cloud
move in close as the lasers fly
our bodies touch and the angels cry
leave this place go back to yours
our lips first touch outside your doors
a whole night what we've got in store
whisper in my ear that you want some more
and I

JIZZ IN MY PANTS
This really never happens you can take my word
I won't apologize, that's just absurd
Mainly your fault from the way that you dance
and now I
JIZZ IN MY PANTS
don't tell your friends or I'll say your a slut
plus its your fault, you were rubbing my butt
I'm very sensitive, some would say that's a plus

Now I'll go home and change

I need a few things from the grocery
do things alone now mostly
left me heart broken not lookin' for love
surprised in my eyes when I looked above
the check out counter and I saw a face
My heart stood still so did time and space
Never felt that I could feel real again
But the look in her eyes said I need a friend
She turned to me that's when she said it
Looked me dead in the face, asked "Cash or Credit?"
And I

JIZZED IN MY PANTS
It's perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me
But we're going to need a clean up on aisle 3
And now I'm posed in an awkward stance because I
JIZZED IN MY PANTS
To be fair you were flirting a lot
plus the way you bag cans got me bothered and hot
please stop acting like you're not impressed
One more thing, I'm gonna play by check

Last week - I saw a film
As I recall it was a horror film
Walked outside into the rain
Checked my phone and saw you rang and I
JIZZED IN MY PANTS

Speeding down the street when the red lights flash
need to get away need to make a dash
A song comes on that reminds me of you and I
JIZZ IN MY PANTS

The next day my alarm goes off and I
JIZZ IN MY PANTS

Open my window and a breeze rolls in and I
JIZZ IN MY PANTS

When Bruce Willis was dead at the end of sixth sense I
JIZZED IN MY PANTS

I just ate a grape and I
JIZZED...IN...MY PANTS
JIZZED...IN...MY PANTS

Ok seriously you guys can we...ok...

I JIZZ RIGHT IN MY PANTS EVERY TIME YOU'RE NEXT TO ME
AND WHEN WE'RE HOLDING HANDS ITS LIKE HAVING SEX TO ME
YOU SAY IM PREMATURE I JUST CALL IT ECSTASY
I WEAR A RUBBER AT ALL TIMES ITS A NECESSITY

Cuz I
JIZZ...IN...MY PANTS
(I jizz in my pants, I jizz in my pants, yes I jizz in my pants, yes I jizz in my pants)
yes I JIZZ...IN...MY PANTS
(I jizz in my pants (AKIVA!), I jizz in my pants)

Aww shit get your towels ready it's about to go down (shorty yeah)
Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck (shorty yeah)
But stay on your motherfucking toes
We running this let's go

I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)
I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)
Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailing on a boat (sailing on a boat)
I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)
I'm on a boat
Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat (boat yeah)

I'm on a boat motherfucker take a look at me
Straight flowing on a boat on the deep blue sea
Busting five knots wind whipping out my coat
You can't stop me motherfucker cause I'm on a boat

Take a picture trick (trick)
I'm on a boat bitch (bitch)
We drinking Santana champ
Cause it's so crisp (crisp)
I got my swim trunks
And my flippie-floppies
I'm flipping burgers you at Kinko's
Straight flipping copies

I'm riding on a dolphin doing flips and shit
The dolphin's splashing getting everybody all wet
But this ain't Seaworld this is real as it gets
I'm on a boat motherfucker don't you ever forget

I'm on a boat and
It's going fast and
I got a nautical themed
Pashmina afghan
I'm the king of the world
On a boat like Leo
If you're on the shore
Then you're sure not me-oh

Get the fuck up this boat is REAL!

Fuck land I'm on a boat motherfucker (motherfucker)
Fuck trees I climb buoys motherfucker (motherfucker)
I'm on the deck with my boys motherfucker (yeah)
This boat engine make noise motherfucker

Hey ma if you could see me now (see me now)
Arms spread wide on the starboard bow (starboard bow)
Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow (moon somehow)
Like Kevin Garnett anything is possible

Yeah never thought I'd be on a boat
It's a big blue watery road (yeah)
Poseidon
Look at me oh (all hands on deck)

Never thought I'd see the day
When a big boat coming my way
Believe me when I say
I fucked a mermaid

I'm on a boat
I'm on a boat
Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailing on a boat (woaah)
I'm on a boat
I'm on a boat
Take a good hard look at the mothafuckin' boat (sha-sha-shorty shorty yeah)

Well, he was the Sax Man from the state of Tennessee
First set in with the band at the ripe old age of three, weeks old
And when he blew into that horn all the people gathered 'round
Club manager jumped right up and said, "Boy, I gotta have that sound!"

Scream "Hallelujah Lord!", I said the Sax Man's got my soul
Everybody gotta move their feet when the Sax Man started to blow
Now blow it Sax Man!

* (weak saxophone noises)

Nnnn, 'kay, he's a little shy, but his genius cannot hide
Cause when the Sax Man starts to win he gonna take you on a ride
Take it Sax Man!

*

Ow! Take it Sax Man!
He'll be right with you folks!

*

All right, Sax Man, that's my fault, I put you on the spot
But now you're all warmed up and this-a next one's gonna be hot
Kick it Sax Man!

(Come on!)

*

(What the fuck are you doing?!)

*

Haha, okay! Why don't we have a little inspiration now.
You know this game, Sax Man!
Repeat after me, here we go, and!

Shibidi bop bop buda bop bop

*

Bip bip bipbip bip bip bipbip bip

*

Aridididi bop bududidadi

Fuckin' play something, Sax Man!

*

Okay, move it on!
Sax Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan,
Sax Man!

*

Andy: Lazy Sunday, wake up in the late afternoon, call Parnell just to see how he's doin.
Chris: Hello?
Andy: What up, Parns?
Chris: Yo, Samberg, what's crackin'?
Andy: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Both: Narnia!
Andy: Man, it's happenin'.
Chris: But first my hunger pangs are stickin like duct tape.
Andy: Let's hit up Magnolia and mack on some cupcakes.
Chris: No doubt, that bakery's got all the bomb frostings.
Andy: I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gossling.
Chris: Two!
Andy: No, six!
Chris: No, twelve!
Both: Bakers' dozen!
Andy: I told you that I'm crazy for these cupcakes, cousin!
Chris: Yo, where's the movie playin'?
Andy: Up on west side, dude!
Chris: Well let's hit up Yahoo Maps to find the dopest route!
Andy: I prefer MapQuest.
Chris: That's a good one too.
Andy: Google maps is the best!
Chris: True that.
Both: Double true!

Andy: Yo, 68th to Broadway.
Chris: Step on it, sucka!
Andy: Whatcha wanna do Chris?
Both: Snack attack, muthafucka!
Both: The Chronic(what?)cles of Narnia.
Yes, the chronic(what?)cles of Narnia.
We love the chronic(what?)cles of Narnia.
Pass the chronic(what?)cles of Narnia.
Andy: Yo, stop at the deli, the theater's overpriced.
Chris: You got the back pack?
Andy: Gonna pack it up nice.
Chris: Don't want security to get suspicious!
Andy: Mr.Pibb and Red Vines equals crazy delicious!
Chris: Yo, reach in my pocket, pull out some dough.
Andy: Girl acted like she'd never seen a ten befo'.
Both: It's all about the Hamiltons, baby.
Andy: Throw the snacks in the bag,
Chris: And I'm a ghost like Swayze.
Chris: Roll up to the theater,
Andy: Ticket buyin', what we're handlin'
Chris: You can call us Aaron Burr,
Both: From the way we're droppin' Hamiltons.
Chris: Now parked in our seats, movie trivia's da illest.
Andy: Whose "Friends" alum starred in films with Bruce Willis?
Chris: We answered so fast it was scary.
Andy: Everyone stared in awe when we screamed
Both: Matthew Perry!
Andy: Now quiet in the theater or it's gonna get tragic.
Chris: We're about to get taken to a dream world of magic.
Both: The Chronic(what?)cles of Narnia
Yes, the chronic(what?)cles of Narnia
We love the chronic(what?)cles of Narnia
Pass the chronic(what?)cles of Narnia

[No lyrics]

[The Lonely Island]
Imagine in your mind a posh country club
The stuffy old money where the poor get snubbed
The spread is bland sauerkraut and boiled goose
There's no way these people will ever cut loose

But then I walk in the room, hold my boombox high
And what happened next, will blow your mind

[Julian Casablancas]
Everything got outta control
The music was so entrancing
Everyone got out on the floor
It was a bunch of old white people dancing

[The Lonely Island]
Now picture if you will a bunch of business men
Stuffed in the boardroom like pigs in a pen
The ties around their necks are like a hangman's noose
In the middle of the table there's a boiled goose

The old people smell makes you want to puke in the sink
These dudes will never dance, yeah that's what you think
I stride in the room all young and hip
Hold up my boombox and say listen to this

[Julian Casablancas]
Then everyone started to move
People rejoiced instead of financing
Your preconceived notions were shattered
By these super old white people dancing

[The Lonely Island]
The Big Apple, where people never dance
Spirits go down while profits expand
The cops or the dealers, who's got the juice
The street benders peddling their boiled goose

So many types of people will never get along
Till I bust out my boombox and play this song

[Julian Casablancas]
The music washed away all the hate
And society started advancing
Every demographic was represented
It was a rainbow coalition of dancing
Whoa !
Everyone was wearing fingerless gloves
Whoaaaaaoaaaaaoh !
I saw a Spanish guy doing the Bartman

[The Lonely Island]
Transport now to an old folks home
Where the elderly are tossed on their brittle bones
The orderlies are stealing, there's no excuse
Everyday for lunch they eat boiled goose

So I grabbed my boombox and hit the turbo base
And what happened next was a total disgrace

[Julian Casablancas]
Everybody started having sex
The music was way too powerful
A bunch of old people fucking like rabbits
It was disgusting to say the least
Oh!
A boombox can change the world
You gotta know your limits with a boombox
This was a cautionary tale
A boombox is not a toy

[No lyrics]

Mr. Samberg Thanks for coming to your performance review
No problem
So you're in charge around here, is that fair to say?
Absolutely, I'm the boss
Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the boss
Well the first thing I do is...

Talk to to corporate (like a boss)
Approve memos (like a boss)
Lead a workshop (like a boss)
Remember birthdays (like a boss)
Direct workflow (like a boss)
My own bathroom (like a boss)
Micromanage (like a boss)
Promote Synergy (like a boss)
Hit on Debra (like a boss)
Get rejected (like a boss)
Sallow sadness (like a boss)
Send some faxes (like a boss)
Call a sex line (like a boss)
Cry deeply (like a boss)
Demand a refund (like a boss)
Eat a bagel (like a boss)
Harrassment lawsuit (like a boss)
No promotion (like a boss)
Fifth of vodka (like a boss)
Shit on Debra's desk (like a boss)
Buy a gun (like a boss)
In my mouth (like a boss)
Oh fuck man I can't fucking do it... shit!
Pussy out (like a boss)
Puke on Debra's desk (like a boss)
Jump out the window (like a boss)
Suck a dude's dick (like a boss)
Score some coke (like a boss)
Crash my car (like a boss)
Suck my own dick (like a boss)
Eat some chicken strips (like a boss)
Chop my balls off (like a boss)
Black out in the sewer (like a boss)
Meet a giant fish (like a boss)
Fuck its brains out (like a boss)
Turn into a jet (like a boss)
Bomb the Russians (like a boss)
Crash into the sun (like a boss)
Now I'm dead (like a boss)

Uh huh. So that's an average day for you then?
No doubt
You chop your balls off and die?
Hell yeah
And I think at one point there you said something about sucking your own dick
Nope!
Actually I'm pretty sure you did
Nah, that ain't me
Okay, well this has been eye opening for me
I'm the boss
Yeah, no I got that. You said it about four-hundred times
I'm the boss
Yeah yeah I got it!
I'm the boss
No I heard you, see ya later
LIKE A BOSS!

hello
hi, do you want to go to a party with me?
no, games on.
oh, i almost forgot,i'll be right there
we like sports and we dont care who knows
from shooting hoops to the super bowl
we like sports and we dont care who knows
football, football, football
tennis
hockey
golf
the game is starting, everyone is here, i got my snacks, my friends, and a beer
just 2 normal guys, hanging out, having fun
right guy number 2,yeah guy number 1
E to the S to the P to the N
is all i watch cause im the man
if my team loses, i'll be mean all night, if you tell me to relax, we'll get in a fight
watching sports with girls is a pain, they dont know the rules, theres no time to explain
single, double, triple, home run
before the celebration, i'll shoot my gun
i like my friend, hes a real guys guy
hes not a loud mouth, like that cunt hole Steve
we like sports and we dont care who knows
from Wimbledon to the Astrodome
we like sports and we dont care who knows
football, football, football
tennis
hockey
golf
now when i say SPORTZ, you say NUTZ
SPORTZ
NUTZ
SPORTZ
NUTZ
when i say CHEATING, you say SUX
CHEATING
SUX
CHEATING
SUX
i drink whiskey cause i like the taste, you think its bitter, but i think its great
i also drink whiskey and we smoke cigars
dont believe me? smell our cars
we're real men, and we like sportz, if you say that we're not, then we'll see you in court
im team captain and i chose you
im the other team captain and i chose you too
we steal the ball and we're off to the races
we scare the other team with our mad dog faces like
what what what what what what
what what what what what what
we like sports and we dont care who knows
from the pre game jokes to the wrap up show
we like sports and we dont care who knows
football, football, football
tennis
hockey
golf
throw me the baseball
now toss me the big skin
now feed me the rock
now give me the rock

(The following song is brought to you by Chex Mix)

Some dude once said that love is a many funny things
I know there's a perfect girl out there for me, cuz I see her
in my dreams

Dream girl, you're a fantasy, you're the only one
Out there for me
My love

Dream girl you amaze me all dressed in paisley
Love how not one but both eyes are lazy
When I first saw you you were drivin' the bus
Thick skin, strong nose like a rhinoceros

Dream girl so beautiful, lips all crumby
Skin like asphalt, nose so runny
Thick thighs, no waist, not a care in the world
You not crazy girl, you just my baby girl

If you envision in sweats with the neon patch
Half eaten squirrel hangin' outta your mouth
Rainbow poncho, the female tonto
Hear a loud noise drop a bucket like a bronco

Dream girl, you're a fantasy, you're the only one
Out there for me
My love

You got your cellphone ring set to Sex and the City
You like a hot bowl of gritz only way more gritty
Straight drippin' your turquoise my Santa Fe queen
One short leg you got the Santa Fe Lean

It's music to my ears when you scream in your sleep
And when you lift your skirt in public yo I can't help but peek
You like Cleopatra with the eyes of a pig
Love to watch you in the backer when you go out to dig

Girl how'd you get those mouse traps glued to your neck
Little rascal, how'd you get screwed to the deck?
You put away slurpees like a trash can

Your smiles all stainy and your not too brainy and
I like that!

Talking to your shoes lke it's your friend
I like that!

Yellin' at the walls of make pretend
I like that!

Tellin' you to stop it then you don't
You said you gonna stop it in my sleep
But you won't!

Last week thought I saw you on the straight turn that was a bag of trash
Just a big ol' bag of trash
I thought you look like a bag of trash

Dream girl I pitch a tent when you stomp in the room
Like a hellbound turkey mixed with a baboon
Your sexy and your spicy like a bowl of Chex Mix
And I always feel safe when I'm in your flesh mitts

Your teeth so clean coulda swore you were British
Never take the Chex Mix cuz you always get skinnish
Open clamps with both feet cuz your ambidextrous
No point cuz we know you eat nothin' but Chex Mix

Chex Mix number one food snack in the land
It's the cereal taste that you eat with your hand
Chex Mix at your local grocer buy your box
Your family will all say
CHEX MIX ROCKS!

Chex Mix, your the snack for me, your the only one
I'll ever eat or buy
Chex Mix your delicious, you got 60% less fat than potato chips
The end

Jah! Rastafarianism
Yes I, Ras Trent
Ba-da ding-ding-ding-ding whooaaaaa!
Who dem?
You no want test me champion sound

Oh fire pon Babylon
and fire pon a batty boy
Rude boy living in the shanty dorms
My roommate Nick is an ignorant ballhead!

Now chant down Babylon
midterm essays
Then puff from de chalice
I fi make from a Sprite can

Last week I read a book
about Selassie I
Then told my bomboclat parents
I was switching religions

Excuse I!
Oh hot stepper, you do so many dutty crimes
Nyabinghi!
And plus you're fully skylarking all the time

Unnu look ya now!

Have you ever noticed
how ball-heads suck?
Ba-da-da ding-ding-ding-ding
dong-dang ding-dong duck!

Excuse I for my skanking
give thanks and praise
Me toil part-time
at jah Cold Stone Creamery

In a dub style!
Roller skates...a DVD of Cool Runnings...Murder, She Wrote
Yagga-yagga-yagga yowwww!

Are you there Jah? It's me, Ras Trent
Are you there Jah? It's me, Ras Trent

Are you there Jah? It's me, Ras Trent
Please guide me (mumbles) pon your bike path of righteousness

Oh stannaho, stannaho, stannaho, stannahoy Jaaaah!
Fussing and fighting and Zion and Roots
Red Stripe, Shabba, Ragamuffin and culture
Me night nurse never want to plant de corn
Skiddily-whoa
Diddily, skiddily diddily diddily...(fades out)

(Spoken: Hey girl, I got somethin' real important to give you, so just sit down and listen...)

Girl you know we've been together
Such a long long time (such a long time)
And now I'm ready to lay it on the line
Well, you know it's Christmas and my heart is open wide
Gonna give you something so you know what's on my mind

A gift real special, so take off the top
Take a look inside -- it's my dick in a box

Not gonna get you a diamond ring
That sort of gift don't mean anything
Not gonna get you a fancy car
Girl, ya gotta know you're my shining star
Not gonna get you a house in the hills
A girl like you needs somethin' real
Wanna get you somethin' from the heart
Somethin' special, girl... it's my dick in a box!
It's my dick in a box, babe
It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box, girl

See I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin' (yeah)
And I got just the one, somethin' to show ya that you are second-to-none
To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress,
It's easy to do, just follow these steps

One âЂ“ cut a hole in a box
Two âЂ“ put your junk in that box
Three âЂ“ make her open the box
And that's the way you do it

It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box, babe
It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box, girl

Christmas âЂ“ dick in a box
Hanukkah âЂ“ dick in a box
Kwanzaa âЂ“ a dick in a box
Every single holiday, a dick in a box
Over at your parent's house, a dick in a box
Midday at the grocery store, a dick in a box
Backstage at the CMA's a dick in a box
Yeah, yeah, wow wow wow wow...
A dick in a box, a dick in a box, a dick in a box...

(No I'm being serious)
Yo, Its the Wild Wild West
You came to the right place my man
Get Ready, here we go
(New Shit!)

Welcome my Friends to the old saloon
Everyone in town is hangin out
If you gotta drink, well you drink it down
Then we'll all go have sex with whores
(Brand New!)

I'm Old Bill I just rode into town
On my horse?
You betcha on my horse!
That the thing in the Old West Times
Everybody enjoys a good horse ride

If you cheat at cards youll get thrown out
Right out the Saloon doors on your butt
Come back in and buy a round of whiskey
Guess what? All is forgiven!!

(DJ *gibberish*!)
Blibbity Jane and your another guy thats probably an Indian
This whiskeys warm (DJ *gibberish*!) and smells like piss
Oh no my stache smells like piss!
So thats the story see if you can do it
The Old Wild West is no place for a lady
Im the bartender but Im also the Mayor
So just put that Asian Hooker (DJ Waaahhh) on my lap
Im Tiny Tim and its almost Christmas
Sure is dusty here.

These days, a lot a cats is outta line
Seems to me, like they need to get punched
Yeah, but where you gonna punch em?
Yo, the choice is obvious
I'll punch you in the jeans
I'll punch you in the jeans
This is not a case of man vs machine
You think that you're safe, thought you got away clean?
I'll roll up on you smooth and punch you in the jeans
I got my fists clenched, gonna throw a haymaka
Rockin your slacks from here to jaimaica
Shake in your boots, cuz I'm the earthquaka
Bringin those jeans round here was a mistaka
I gotta vendetta, it's against your jeans (yeah)
Gonna put my knuckles up against the seams
They can be on your legs or on the clothesline
But when I see the zipper and cloth, it's go time!
And I'm zeroed in, I got the tunnel vision
Gonna cover you in shit like a ton of pigeons
Man I hate your jeans, I'm gonna bruise that denim
It really doesn't matter as long as you're in em'
Yo we'll punch your jeans, we've said it before
Best believe this is not a metaphor
Better watch your back, cuz we're on the creep
And we won't stop till your jeans are six feet deep!
Man I'll murder your jeans, I'll feed em to the fishes
Heres what I'd do, if I had three wishes
Punch your jeans, on all three counts
It would bring me satisfaction in large amounts
If I had three wishes I would do the same
We see eye to eye in this jean punch game
I'd lay em in a field, where there's chemical sprayin
But I'd punch em first, yo that goes without sayin (yeah)
Acid wash pleats or a nifty cuff
It's just another jean for my fist to stuff
Throwin fistacuffs, eat pants like bag lunches
Jeans pronounced dead
Cause of death?
Hecka punches!
Yo we'll punch your jeans, we've said it before
Best believe this is not a metaphor
You got somethin to say, we got the proper retorts
Beat your jeans so bad that they'll wish they were shorts
Gonna revise your Levi's with physical harm
Put divets in the rivets with my physical arm
Gonna beat those jeans, gonna dip em in slime
Turn your 501s into 499s
When I punch a jean I like to imagine a face
The fly is the nose and the balls are the base of the face
You got taste and it shows my man
God damn your jean brand got me throwin my hands
Gonna go back in time, find the man who made jeans
And choke him to death, if you know what I mean
Yo I know what you mean, so keep your jeans on a hush
Breakout, before you get bumrushed
Yo we'll punch your jeans, we've said it before
Best believe this is not a metaphor
So take off your jeans, and reverse the curse
Cuz we the best jean punchers in the universe
(It really doesn't matter as long as you're in em')x2

Reach for the stars!

You stand on a distant planet
Skyline of red plateaus
Strange air and vegetation
You're a winner!

Welcome to the Space Olympics
The year Thirty Twenty Two
Take part in a grand tradition
Your name echoes in the holes of the universe!

Believe in yourself!
Take your game into outer space!

Every single galactic athlete
Needs a coded ID badge
Drug tests are mandatory
You're a winner!

The Athlete's Village is on Zargon
You all get a junior suite
We don't cover incidentals
So keep your ass off the minibar!

You're the best in the world!
Brace yourself 'cause there's no gravity!

You're in the motherfuckin' Space Olympics!

Let it be known by every nation
You'll only get one meal a day
There was a bit of a budget SNAFU
And food funding is insufficient

We can't really enforce a curfew
As there is no light or sound
Just one of the many problems
With hosting a sporting event in space.

Attention all athletes. There are minor scheduling adjustments.

Space Disc! Is totally cancelled.
Space Swords! Is totally cancelled.
Space Luge! Is also cancelled.
And all other events are pending!

Welcome to your Space Olympics
All the oxygen has run out
And someone who will not be named
Accidentally hit self-destruct

As you file to your escape pods
I'll distract the alien hordes
And as I stare death in the face I know my sins will take me to hell.

You do it for the love
My love
And there ain't no woman that could take your spot my love

Chris Parnell: We’re sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman: Hello.

Parnell: So, Natalie, what’s the day in life of Natalie Portman like?

Portman: Do you really want to know?

Parnell: Yes, tell us…

Portman: I don’t sleep motherfucker
off that yak and durban
doin’ 120 gettin’ head while I’m swervin’

Seth Meyers: Damn Natalie you a crazy chick

Portman: Yo shut the fuck up and suck my dick
I bust in dudes mouth like gushers motherfucker
roll up on NBC and smack the shit outta Jeff Zucker

Guys: What you want Natalie
Portman: to drink and fight
Guys: what you need Natalie
Portman: to fuck all night

Don’t test when I’m crazy on that airplane glue
put my foot down your throat
till you shit in my shoe
leave you screaming
pay for my dry cleaning
fuck your man
It’s my name that he’s screamin’

Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Portman: I never said I was a role model.
Parnell: What about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?

Portman: All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my dick
It’s Portman mother fucker
drink till I’m sick
slit your throat
and poor nitrous down the hole
watch you laugh and cry
while I laugh you die
and all the dudes
you know I’m talkin to you
Guys: we love you Natalie
Portman: I wanna fuck you too
P is for Portman
P is for pussy!
i’ll kill your fuckin dog for fun so don’t push me

Parnell: Well, Natalie I’m surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate.
Portman: Well there’s a lot you may not know about me.
Parnell: Really? Such as?

When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test
and snorted all the yay
I gotta a def posse
and you gotta buncha dudes
I sit right down on your face and take a shit

Andy Samberg: Natalie you are a bad ass biiiiiiiitch (hell yeah!)
and I always pay for your dry cleanin
when my shit gets in your shoe (What!?)
as for the drug use
well I can vouch for that
my dick is scared of you
girl

Parnell: Okie-doke. One final question, if you steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it–

(Portman throws chair at Parnell)
Portman: No more questions

Noow let's take a trip down memory lane
Back to junior high school were it all began
Three bad lil kids raising hell at school
We were just thirteen straight acting a fool
Everyday after class kiv's house was the spot
Making crazy prank calls hoping not to get caught
Best friends, blood brothers, yo we one and the same
Till one faithful afternoon when everything changed
One day playing punch out up in kiv's room
The house started shaking and we heard a kaboom
Looked out the back window saw a pillar of smoke
Yo your backyard is smashed, man this isn't a joke
Yo lets go check this out man, oh what was that? oh I bet lets go

All the smoke and debris led us straight to the basement
Yo what the hell is that? man it looks like a spaceship
We all ran for cover, as the hatch opened wide
And a little green dude stepped out from inside
He said, " I'm from mars and I come in peace,
I have something to ask and it's not discrete
There's a mutated strain in our DNA helix
And you three kids are the ones who can heal it
But were just thirteen man what can we do
Umm, how should I put this I think we should screw - what?
On my home planet we can no longer breed
I've been sent to self-recept so we can store your seed
Storing our seed, yo I think he means sex
Man I'm a virgin, we all all bet
I'm just gonna lie here and close my eyes
Ah, what should we do now it's spreading it's thighs
You'll be heroes in my planet
But why us three?
You're the chosen ones, you'll just have to trust me
Yo should we do it? man I dunno know, yo I say we put it to a vote
All in favor say I, "I"

Ok we're in, - cool
Who should go first?
I have three depositories to capture your burst
Wait so at the same time? yeah that's what I was thinking
Here some whine coolers lets get you boys drinking
We pouted the drink and started getting tipsy
Then took our positions and started getting frisky
One in the front and two in the back
Had him locked up like a Chinese finger trap
Keep humping away my wife and family thank you
I'm about to explode yo son me too
Three way climax! best friends forever
What a pleasure to lost our virginities together - yeah
Andy Jorm Akiv you've saved my race
Your reward is one wish then I'll go back to space
We looked at each other, didn't have to talk
Knew exactly what we wanted before he took off
Mr. Alien sir, for what it's worth
We wanna be the greatest fake MCs on earth
Your wish is granted and thanks again
I may have saved my planet but I'm losing three friend
What happened today was both incredible and bad
Therefore your name is Incredibad