Punky Brüster Album

Hello, and welcome to Coocked on Phonics, the story of how a cheesy death metal band named Cryptic Coroner, became the punk phenomenon of the century, when they realised they were making no money.

Our story begins, at a crappy little pub on a cheap beer night, where our heroes are aboot to take the stage.

This, ALTHOUGH they don't know it yet, will be the last show they play as the infamous Cryptic Coroner, and the birth of the music biz's little babies : Punky Bruster.

Let's listen in, shall we?

"Hey, turn the music down... Ah, welcome to a tuesday night at "Mallone's", Surrey's hottest hole for rock'n'roll, ah tonight we've got two for one Tequila shooter specials.
Uh, anyway, straight from Poland, we've got... uh... hang on a sec (in the background: CRYPTIC CORONER !) oh yah, Cryptic Coroner, uh, give them a round of applause."

GOOD EVENING MALLOOOONE'S, WE ARE - CRYPTIC - COOOROOONEEEER, FROM SOUTH CENTRAL POOOOOLAAAAND... ROT - IN - HEEEEEELL !!!

(Death metal part---------------------------------------------)

"Ahhh... I broke a string ! I broke a s... I.. I mean, I mean... I BROKE A STRING !!!
I broke a string man !

Oh, holy f***...yeah man this looks bad, can you play a punk beat? -I, I think I can.
Those guys gonna kill us men we've got to do something up here...
I'm not sure give me a second
Can you try I just get up... Yeah, that's it, that sounds good !
How's that ?!
It's good, just wait I gotta tune up man, just keep goin' I gotta tune 'kay
Now we need some bass in here too... Hey get the bass goin' !
Oh man I don't like the way this crowd's actin', just keep goin' man keep goin'
'Kay right
and put some guitar in
I got it
Ok, ready ? Ready ?
Yeah... That sounds pretty good!
Gimme some bass!
Come on! Now they're gonna kill us, gimme bass now!
Yeah, yeah, I can handle this
Hey, I think I'm gonna cut my hair! Wow!
Think "Green Day"! Let's go!!!"


We're not metal anymore
We're the punky rockin' whores!
Born to make the girls go crazy
Let us in the latest fad
We'll be the best you've ever had!
Even though we're losers baby!
(This music) scares the hell right out of me!

Even thought it makes you feel alright
You're not punk and you never will be!
- And you put a number on us all!

Oh, don't it make you sad?
Oh, don't it make you mad?
It's everything I hate
So I'm here lying on the floor
'Cause I can't fake it through the door
I've learned the recipe for bait!

It's everything you're meant to be
Stuff Mom and Dad will never see
My excuses to be lazy!
'Cause we're not babies anymore!
Gonna start a fucking war!
Anything to make you crazy!!
(Generation) X is a consumer fallacy!
(And I hear you say) Why push yourself if there's no hope at all?
Well just count the things you'll never be
And pass them over as you fall!!!

I've gotta get now to a phone
I can't stand another minute alone
'Cause I've got to know who's making it right now!

"Hey this is Jimmy Rickles for CFUH radio, you know this is amazing we're down here witnessing the phenomenon that is Punky Bruster... All the people here are going crazy and it's just- it's amazing they sold a hundred thousand albums in the past two and a half hours

The world is going wild for these guys

You know... I was doing this about 15 years ago and now they're just capitalizing on what should've been MY money...

I can't believe these bloody kids... They think they're punk? That's not punk! Punk hasn't been punk since WE were bloody punks!

This is crap dude! You can't just take an attitude and wrap it up in a little plastic bag and sell it to corporate America!
That's not punk! Punk is something ya feel! I was punk 10 years ago, and I'm still punk
cause there's nothing that's gonna stop me from lifting weights, and writing books, and makin' things outta earwax

(Grand-ma' voice or something) Yes, well the ????? quite approves of the new movement that the young people of today call 'punk!' It offers more positive solutions to negative problems that plague society in America today. And yes, for one, I quite like it!"

"ZEPPELIN!"

This here's a song about the things you don't find in nature
This here's a tale about conditions of the head
At one time I wanted to expand my education but
Now I'll make more money if I dye my hair instead.

'Cause I've gotta be more punk, and forget about writing love songs
And even though I'm a middle class white Canadian
God knows I've been done wrong
'Cause I'm a fake punk! I'm a fake punk!
I'll even use a dirty word, I'll even write a mean song,
I'll even take a mean picture
'Cause I've got the hair for it!

I've always tried to dig myself out of the sewer
I've always strived to be a little bit more well-read
But oh no! Here comes that rock press interviewer so,
I'll just look real tough and say fuck a lot instead

I'd be alright if I could just hang out with my girlfriend
I'd be just fine if they would close down all the bars
And maybe one day I'll join a protest against smoking
But when it comes to sincere angst you can just
Leave me the fuck alone!

"This fake punk movement is crap but there's money to be made so lets milk it !"

It took two minutes
To piece these three lame riffs together
But it's the same crap that's selling loads
So it may just make my life a little better.
- Punk! Punk! Punk!
(Get out of my way!)
I ain't a metal guy no more!

Sitting in my room all day, I got nothing else to do.
I've got so many bills to pay, so hey,
I've got some punk rockin' to do!
- Punk! Punk! Punk!
(It's the word of the day!)
- Punk! Punk! Punk!
(Is A.O.K.!)

- We tried metal but it didn't work so
Let us in on the punk rock dough!

Give me some of that easy money!
Give me some of that cash!
Two chords later and a house is paid for
Let me in on that punk rock cash!

I used to be, a kid at university
But that won't pay for the punk life that was meant for me
There's money to be had
So you know that I'll be wearing plaid
This ain't going to be
A punk rock monopoly!
- Punk! Punk! Punk!
(We've always been there)
- Gonna shave off all my feathered hair!-
Iron Maiden? Who the hell are they?
I've always listened to D.O.A.!

"And in this space, of nearly a few weeks, the band, with their new sound and style, were well on the way towards a fullfilment and satisfaction, that only raping the public for a quick buck can bring.

But as well as things were going for the band, their manager was having problems adapting to the new punk rock motif. And at the record company, a production meeting was being held to start dealing with the said problems...
METAL BROTHERS, WE'RE IN THE TOP FIFTEEN WITH THIS PUNK CRAP, WE'RE OUT FOR WORLD DOMINATION NOOOOOW !
-YES, BUT WE MUST GET RID OF THIS VOICES, THEY ARE HOLDING US BACK.
SHOULD WE GO ON - HIGHER? WOULD THAT BE MORE ACCESSIBLE?
-YES.
LIKE... LIKE WHAT LIKE higher !
-LET, LET ME TRY... HIGHER
MY LORD...
-Higher... Higher like this!
THINK PUNK!
-I, I am punk!
Yes, still higher
-I, I'm a punk guy !
Yes...
-I am !
YES...
-I am !
YES, BUT, BUT, I AM NOT THOUGH! THIS IS GOING AGAINST EVERYTHING I'VE EVER BELIEVED IN ! ALTHOUGH I BROUGHT CRYPTIC CORONER FROM THE EDGE OF VIRTUAL OBSCURITY, AND YES, YES, WHILE THE MONEY IS GOOD, I REFUUUSE TO SEE THEM SELL, AAALL OF THEIR METAL ROOTS !
-MY LORD, DO NOT RESIST THIS PUNK ASSIMILATION...
*UUH, UUH...*
-I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE DIRECTION WE ARE HEADING...
I- I DO NOT ! EXPLAIN IT TO ME PLEASE !
-IT IS BOOT-LICKING PUNK ROCK."

I grew up on heavy metal!
You can't listen to heavy metal!
All my friends liked heavy metal!
All your friends were morons!
Please don't make me cut my hair!
All the cool kidz cut their hair!
But now there's shitty music everywhere!
You're not supposed to care because it's

Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!

It's hard to tell what music's cool
Whatever sells the biggest rules!
I still find Krokus kinda cool!
Damn your metal roots, boy!
But none of these bands even know how to play!
We'll take it over Yngwie any day!
Okay, good point, but what's it called?!?
It's the latest thing, we'll call it

Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!

I know that I should like it but my roots get in the way!!!

Let me play it, I won't tell!
You can't listen to heavy metal!
C'mon give me one more metal yell!
Whoahh-oh!!
I don't wanna be a punk rocker!
A heavy metal punk rocker!
I'm gonna try much harder now to get my metal heard - heavy metal now!!

"YOU ARE FIRED METAL GUY !

So, with their oldy heavy metal manager now out of the picture, Punky Bruster were now on a prowl for new managerial blood.
And, at the advice of the all-knowing and all-seeing record company, they went prowling with their new voices...

Look! It's a manager!
A manager is coming to see us!
Oh he's so beefy!
He is!
Hihihi ^ ^

Yeah... You guys got a lot of potential... but...
-*background chipmunk*
You still sound pretty heavy metal
-Ah you mean? you mean...?
Yeah that's coming from me, I, I'm, I'm a manager you know I know these things...
-ah
If you wanna make it in the music biz guys, you gotta get yourself a new vocalist...
-No way! We are a band!
Okay okay, at least a guest vocalist for the album..."

"-HEY YOU GUYS !!!"

I turn around from whining sounds
Don't give us shit for making it
If your band's not signed, don't put us down!
Try playing hard, you stupid clown!

It's Poison with some different hair
It's crap that comes from everywhere
It's stupid, loser K-mart rap!
With more concern for coloured hair than music.

Wanna be a rock star! Have a limo with a juice bar!
With an undisputed killer for a girlfriend
So I guess I'd better
Spit it! Barf it! Spew it! Sell it! Roast it! Toast it!

Oats, peas, beans and barley will grow!
Why we sell nobody knows!
You can say just how you feel
But look who's got the record deal!

"*Knock on the door*
-You are expecting a package!? You are expecting a delivery!? Special delivery for you sir !
-Thank you mister postal-men !
Woah ! Finally ! My official boys in tha hood wallet chain ! Now I can be hardcore like everybody else !"

Every fuckin' body's got a wallet chain
Trading Iron maiden for a wallet chain
Trading heavy metal for a toque and Loreal
I've got a bad damn feeling music's going to hell

Gotta go to Compton for a wallet chain
Suburban fucking gangsters and their wallet chains
With music hard as disco but without the brain
I saw Elvis in a mohawk and it wasn't the same

Give it to me! Give it to me!
(Gonna look punk eventually.)
Liberty! Liberty!
Ain't nobody gonna mess with me!

I used to practice guitar 8 hours a day
But knowing music theory just doesn't pay
So now I've gotta get a skateboard or I won't get laid
I'm so hard core but my curfew's 8!

Money for free! Money for free!
(I get it from my mommy so money's free)
Bangin' my knee! Bangin' my knee!
Sixty hefty links of chain are bangin' my knee

Gonna go get myself a wallet chain!
Trading Iron Maiden for a wallet chain!
You'll never look punk until you get a chain!
You're not a real "gangsta" without that chain!
Wallet chain! Wallet chain!
I got a wallet chain because money is everything!
Take it from me! Take it from me!
(No one's gonna take my damn wallet from me!)
Wait and see! Wait and see!
Everyone will have a chain eventually!

"I don't know if you people out there ever heard of the granny awards. You see, it's a yearly event that brings all the good parts of world music and money making together, into one little metal figurine !
And this year, after only being together for a mere couple of weeks, Punky Bruster have gotten themselves a nomination...
Now even though it's almost inevitable that they could win or at least get an honorable mention at this prestigious event, it brings a nervousness that has disrupted most of the members' bowels..."

10 am, and I hit the alarm
It's been 5 short hours since I tied one on
And on the way to the kitchen for my morning cup
I gotta run to the can before my bowels erupt

Grab my knees and howl like a dawg
I've got a 12 inch long jalapeño log
You can keep that Thai, yeah I think I'll pass
I ain't got a week to nurse my ass!!!

I just want a normal stool!
Hey, hey, hey, heinous anus!

I've been on the throne all day
I can't face the world in any other way
Help me out,
I wanna be someone who
Doesn't start the morning with a molten poo!!!

I don't want this screaming hoop!!!
Hey, hey, hey, heinous anus!


'Haaa... Groupies ! love 'em or leave 'em. Well, Doctor Skinny has never loved 'em, but he sure as hell wouldn't mind givin' in a shot, the only problem being, he hasn't got quite used to the whole punk-rock female thing, but "hey", he says, "if there's a ring through a nose, then she's metal enough for me."

Oh my god... Oh my god it's you !
-Hi
You're the guy from Punky Bruster band !
-Yeah...
Oh, this is too... wow, this is crazy ! My friends are going to freak !
-Of course I'm a big star
I've gotta phone my friends can I come in and use your phone ?
-Hey hey sure, sweetheart!'

I just met the woman of my dreams!
She says she's punk, but she's metal enough for me!!!
Well! She's gonna be my Molly Maid!
Clean me up and you'll have it made!
There's metal in your nose, so you're metal enough for me!

I just met a woman with some style
She says "piercing's punk" but it's metal all the while
Well! She's gonna be my Betty Boop!
A metal chick has always got the scoop
C'mon now Baldy, make a punker out of me!
Well! It's not anything at all! Give it up before you fall!

I need a girl like you!
I need metal through and through!
I need a woman like you!
I need a heavy metal mama!

'I love that white leather purse he wears. Its tassels make it look great. I mean it, really... you know, spandex, you know... should come back... If it's not cool now, it should be...

Later, in a huge bedroom... Or, as they say in Canadian, "bedrooOOm", the following tragedy occures...

This is so cool
-Yeah this is my place...
This is the best punk-rock place...
-My punk-rock place...
You're the best punk-rock band
-Yes my favourite band too
This is awesome
-Thank you
This is great
-Thank you, you're pretty cute you know...
Oh - my - god
-Ah ...? No...
What... is that ?
-Nothing, don't look at that ! No I don't...
A heavy metal poster ?
-No no its, it's a friend's ! It's...
A heavy metal... album ?
-It's not... I swear to god, it's a punk
A heavy metal book ?!
-It's not ! It's a, it's a punk book !
-ooh god !
-come back !
This is disgusting !
-No no no it's not really
(going away) This is...
-no no im a...im a punk, a...anarchy,ANARCHY!
this is so...
-oh no,come back ! Oh no ! Oh god it's... Oh my only chance, ruined !

(narrator again)
Disillusioned by this rejection served up to him in a steaming lump, Doctor Skinny became suicidal with grief, his metal roots were clearly now a burden, and a burden that would soon be behind him, if his band could win the granny tomorrow night, for best punk act.
For nothing validifies music, as the all powerfull granny award...
Be strong, fair metal guy gone punk,
...it's so hard to be strong
be strong...
...I need something to help ease the pain !'

*burps*
-Whadya mean it's your fuckin beer! You think your fuckin DOWN! You think you know what the FUCK it is to be DOWN! You dont fukkin know! YOU KNOW NOTHING!!

[Crusty's At The Ivanhoe song]

*guy yells something weird*
With his pain eased, by the sweet kiss of cheap alcohol, Dr.Skinny, Dances With Chickens and Squid Viscious, head toward the grannys. Lets hope for the best dear friends. Lets hope, for the best...

-Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, the academy of recording arts welcomes you to the 23rd annual, GRANNY AWARDS! MCB is PROUD to present the most gala musical extraviganza of the year. Anybody who is anybody is here tonight, dressed to the nines in order to get even the glimpse of some of the many stars grazeing our stage this evening. HI THERE! I'm Jimmy Rickles. With Live performances by...

Ann Murray !
Deicide!
And the one, the only, Punky Brüster!

But before all that, please give a big round of friendly applause for your host this evening, entertainment this hours, PJ Little-Pricky.

-Thank you! Thank you, thank you-Yes, quite an exciting evening-thank you, thank you. I'm... extremely excited to be your host this evening for the 23rd, anuel, granny awards. Right? Yes thank you. Yes...
And this year's most exciting year because we got a new award, and thats how we're going to start things off tonight... It is a life long achievement award for the best punk-rock band. Now this is judged on anarchtic content, chord dissonance, hair coloring, body piercing, and of course some other technical things we need not concern ourselves with. Without further adu, lets give this award out, and start this party off.
The envelope please? thank you... shes lovely isn't she?... nice boobies....
And this years award of course... it will come as no surprise to all of you...
PUNKY BRÜSTER! Come on up guys! Come and get your award.....

-Oh! OH! OH! Thank you! Thank you this is so unexpected! I don'-I don't know what to say! Uh... well... we'd like to thank-uh-our families! Our families! Our manager-GOD BLESS YOU, GOD BLESS YOU! Uh- The Norwegion Death metal scene- Oh I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm s... sorry not that! Just a joke, just a joke -Jokey, Jokey wokey- uuuh, I don't know.
GOD BLESS EVERYBODY! Oh, and before we go, before we go! We'd like to thank all the Pioneer punk bands of 1994- You know who you are guys! Thank you, thank you VERY MUCH- THANK YOU ALL!

-Yes, yes folks, Punky Brüster-but guys wait, before you leave the stage please, won't you play us a song, the audience is going wiiild here. Yes yes, I think they're in agreement with me you must play us a song...
No please, please guys We got it set up for you right here. Please come everyone! PUNKY BEUSTER!!! Yes, LIVE, here for you...

-awww, you guys! I'd just like to say your all soooo great, for helping us become number one. I guess we can just do one song. I mean one little song! Only one though! Okay, all set! Guitar? Thank you (got my bass) okay! This is our new single, and it goes out to all of, yooouuuu.

Woke up this morning, didn't like what I seen
I looked about as normal as I've ever been
But I gathered today that I would be a star
So I get myself ready to enjoy the part

I'm only in love, with a picture of myself
I'm only in love with a little girl

Decided today to get the proper shoes
$80 Vans and an ADIDAS suit
Now the chicks will all dig me 'cause I look quite hip
Sulking and tripping on my bottom lip

I'm only in love, with a picture of myself
I'm only in love with the little girl
I'm only in love, with the picture of myself
I'm only in love with that little girl

Now I've got myself in with the latest style
And the people at the mall today have made a pile
So I'm back on my way to my parents' home
So I can tell someone I need a little time alone

I'm only in love, with the picture of myself
I'm only in love with a little girl
I'm only in love, with a picture of myself
I'm only in love, I'm only in love,
I'm only in love with myself


"So, there you have it friends, the story of Punky Bruster, one of music's biggest succes stories, from beginning to the very end, yeah.
Well, you know the moral of this story is simply this : that perhaps, doing music that moves you and makes you feel something, can be EAAAsily sacrificed, in ????? ????? ????? bullshit, for the all-powerfull dollar. It happened to them, and god dammit, it could have happened to you.
Thanks very much, we'll see you next time, the end."

Welcome boys and to the rock and roll high school
Lesson #1 us where to put your tongue
Lesson #2 is what you do with your tool
And watch the fringe benefits come second to none!

Graduates from the old rock and roll high school
Pretend they're still rebellious with a video pose
The uneducated spew some lame political view
And the punks will look like hunks in their endorsement clothes!

So hey, let's rock, and put out a little corporate schlock!
To play, just get the call, then keep your eye on the friggin' ball
'Cause that's all... that's all!

Listen boys and girls to the rock and roll motto
It's fun to spend your money, just take it from me
And don't cry "foul" for us admitting this cash cow
The "revolution" is a capitalist industry!
So, hey, let's rock, and talk a little corporate talk!
I say, you'll never fall, when your face is pressed against the wall!

If what it takes to rock, is to suck a little corporate cock
Well, hey everybody, we'll be the girls next door!
If what it takes to score, is to be a corporate whore
We're already there!

(Mid section) Come on out to the Brüster spend-a-long
Buy a T-shirt and it'll make you feel like you're part of an elite clique
While directly paying for our advertising!

Hey hey! We passed, now everyone can kiss our ass!!!
And we'll appeal to a need
Where one never used to be

'Cause what it takes to rock is to suck some corporate cock
So, hey everybody, we'll be the girls next door!
And what it takes to score, is to be a corporate whore
So, hey Borivoj, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Monte Conner, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Pepsi-Cola, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Cliff Cultreri, we'll be the girls next door!!!

Larry was a pessimist, I wanna be like Larry
He bore the burden of a soul that's always burning
And says "every one should be like me!"
Well it's easy to be an anarchist
When you've got record companies to pay for it
You're no rebel if you're playing by the rules

Larry's O, he need no fucking dough
Anarchy's the way, oh he's really not that sorry
Larry's old, and just like some little girls
Oh, I guess we all get in his way

Larry was a drunken mess, and sometimes I'd rather be like Larry
But he sees me staying sober and he'll lose it all together
And then Larry wants to be like me

Yeah, it's a real triumph that I seem distressed
I'm not pissed, I'm just unimpressed
And the reason I don't care is 'cause it's all been done before
Larry's road, it's really getting old, am I in your way?
Oh I'm really really sorry

Larry's old, but acts like a little girl
Oh I guess it all gets in the way
Larry knows, I'm just doing this for the dough
And you better hope this makes no money
'Cause we've got four album options
Larry's O, just like him and he knows,
But, oh, the joke is getting old

[No lyrics]