Loudon Wainwright III Album

The dollar went down and the President said
"Who's in charge, now?" I don't know, take your pick.
A new disease every day and the old ones are coming back
Things are looking kind of gray, like they're going to black

Don't turn on the TV, don't show me the paper
(I) don't want to know he got kidnapped or why they all raped her
I want to go on vacation 'till the pressure lets up
But they keep hijacking airplanes and blowing them up

(Refrain)
It's been a hard day on the planet
How much is it all worth?
It's getting harder to understand it
Things are tough all over on earth.

It's hot in December and cold in July
When it rains it pours out of a poisonous sky
In California the body counts keep getting higher
It's evil out there, man that state is always on fire.

Everyone has a system, but they can't seem to win
Even Bob Geldorf looks alarmingly thin


I got to get on that shuttle get me out of this place
But there's gonna be warfare up there in outer space
(Refrain)
I've got clothes on my back and shoes on my feet
A roof over my head and something to eat
My kids are all healthy and my folks are alive
You know, it's amazing but sometimes I think I'll survive

I've got all of my fingers and all of my toes
I'm pretty well off I guess, I suppose
So how come I feel bad so much of the time?
A man ain't an islandóJohn Dunn wasn't lying
(Refrain)
It's business as usual; some things never change
It's unfair, it's tough, unkind and it's strange
We don't seem to learn; we can't seem to stop
Maybe some explosions would close up the shop

You know, maybe that would be fine: we would be off the hook
We resolved all our problems, never mind what it took
And it all would be over, finito, the end
Until the survivers started up all over again
(Refrain)

Little did I know, though I probably should have guessed
By the way you walked and talked and spoke and smoked an dressed
You actually seemed to like me and so naturally I presumed
You were after that thing, it's the one thing, it's assumed

So I wined and dined you, hey, I love that kind of stuff
And we blabbed about our backgrounds, how family life is rough
We spoke of what we dreamed of, what we thought of, what we did
Midway through the second bottle I admitted I had kids

But nothing seemed to throw you though I know you better now
At the time my minor crime was figuring out how
To get you in my hotel room unclothed and in my bed
And proceed with the unspeakable, it's better left unsaid

We went to see a friend of your and watch me on TV
Sheer coincidence you said, synchronicity

A full moon on a Friday night, the thirteenth of July
A man and two women in a room and on the screen the guy

Your friend, she liked me on the show, yeah she was snowed for sure
Her body language got obscene, her demeanor less than pure
You started venting something wearing spleen upon your sleeve
You got sort of nervous, kind of anxious, had to leave

You told me on the freeway that you didn't sleep with men
I put two and two together…and I asked about your friend
It turns out she and though she loved my show
She too preferred the fairer sexóI absorbed the blow

It turns out that you did like men but didn't like their things
That hang down and all the hang-ups being with them always brings
My brother is so practical; this is what he said:
"You should have asked if it was cool to watch them both in bed"

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If the day off doesn't get you
Then the bad reviewer does.
At least you've been a has-been
And not just a never-was

And you know it's not a mountain
But no mole hill is this big.
And you promise to quit drinking
As you light another cig.

Once again you're in the home stretch
But you're not sure where you live.
You recall a small apartment
And a government you give
Large amounts of money to
So you're allowed to stay
And rest until you're well enough
To leave again and play.

You are making human contact
With the postcards that you send
To the children of your ex-wifes
And a woman, your girlfriend.
Who is living in a city
Thousands of miles away
That is full of young male models,
Not all of whom are gay.

In the meanwhile you've stopped writing songs,
There's nothing left to say.
You'd like to get your old job back
and mow lawns again one day.
But you keep lifting up your left leg
Sticking out your tongue.
There's nothing else that you can do
And you're too old to die young!

Too many beds, too many towns,
Not much to declare zones.
London broils and Tuna Melts on dirty microphones.
While the sound man's falling fast asleep,
The light man's been up for days,
The club owner and arithmetic
Have long since parted ways.

As for the lovely audience,
Tonight they're rather cold.
But they're prepared to listen,
All they have to be is told.

If the day off doesn't get you
Then the bad reviewer does.
At least you've been a has-been
And not just a never-was.

I had not taken acid for twelve years,
But one night last summer I did.
I was adrift in a bar room,
Acting like a jerk and a kid.

I knew we were asking for trouble,
Trouble was what we would get.
Five of us dropped in the girls' room,
Psycadilisized insane quintet.

Well that bathroom got crowded in no time,
Our minds were all blown in one flash,
Everyone in there got ugly,
We exited out of there fast.

Back in the bar we were happy,
Feeling great, no problem,
Back in the bar we were fine.
Till Johnny turned into a Nazi,
And Mary threw up all her wine.

Well in no time we all were ejected,
Soon we were out on the street.
The sidewalk began to perspire,
We had glass and dog shit at our feet.

We went over to Mary's apartment
Come on!
To listen to the Grateful Dead.
On the way there we lost Johnny,
He had opted for Bellevue instead.

Well I'm really glad we did this, it feels great. Just like the old days, I love this.
I know my hair's on fire, it's like incense or something.
You know, your face is melting,
It is, it's all the colours of the rainbow.

Hey you wanna hold some fruit?
Come on, hold some fruit!
It breeds, it really does!
Have a cantaloupe, come on.
Ah, no I dunno where the Donovan tape is.

Well I had to get out of that city,
Bobby was bringing me down.
Me and my darling young Susie,
Said so long and drove out of town.

Driving on acid is easy
Driving on acid's a breeze.
Just keep the car on the highway
Don't laugh and don't fart and don't sneeze.

Oh we got to my house in the country
In the country man
The trees were all throbbing and green
Susie was sure she had cancer
I was sure I was James Dean

We went down the lake to go swimming
Come on let's try it out
Down to the lake for a swim
Susie said, "water cures cancer"
I asked her to please call me Jim.

Yes acid is usually dangerous
The mild-mannered can quickly turn mean
LSD can surely derange us
Unless you possess Thorazine

So next time you wanna go out there
When you feel like fitting your head
Think twice before dropping acid
Hold out for mushrooms instead!

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You can keep my bicycle, all my records and tapes
Might seem sentimental or sound like sour grapes
Sell my clothes and furniture or give 'em to the Goodwill store
I'm goin' overseas I'm not comin' back anymore

Maybe it's a little romantic for a middle-age man like me
I'm gonna be an expatriot just you wait and see
Livin' in a Garret in Paris a House-Boat in Amsterdam
Smokin' a beard, growin' a pipe, doin' the best I can

Like Gauguin I'm a gonna go to Tahiti, wait & see
Find a little brown skin girl to fall in love with me

For years and years you're gonna wonder just where I've gone
Maybe when I'm eighty years old I'll come back home
There'll be parades and ceremonies
Retrospectives too
And that brown skin girl will be so sad
I came back to you

You can keep my bicycle, all my records and tapes

In this game you've got eighteen holes
To shoot your best somehow
Where have all my divots gone
I'm in the back nine now
I got to move on down to that next fairway
Up to that flapping flag
There's a storm formin' overhead
I got to shoulder up that bag

Shoulder up that bag
Shoulder up that bag
Got to move on down to that next fairway
Up to that flapping flag

I used to tote my daddy's bag
When I was a boy
I saw him sweat and I heard him swear
But sometimes he'd whoop for joy
Golf clubs are made of wood and iron
No, no, no, they are not magic wands
And balls fall into sand traps
And balls drop into ponds

Balls drop into ponds
Balls drop into ponds
Golf clubs are made of wood and iron
No they are not magic wands

I'm walkin' around with these spiked shoes on
Oh it feels a little obscene
Mother nature with a manicure
Up here on this green
Oh I don't know about you but I got to have me a few
When we get to that clubhouse bar
It's my reward for this scorecard
I'm way over par

I'm way over par
I'm way over par
I don't know about you
I got to drink me few
When we get to that clubhouse bar

In this game you got eighteen holes
To shoot your best somehow
Where have all my divots gone
I'm in the back nine now