 Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural
plant that grows in the dirt. You know what's not natural? Eighty year
old dudes with hard ons. That's not natural, but we've got pills for that.
We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys
erect but we're putting people in jail for smoking something that grows
in the dirt?
You know, we have more prescription drugs now than ever. Every
commercial on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can't watch TV for four
minutes without thinking i have five serious diseases. Like, "Do you
ever wake up tired in the mornings?" Oh my god, I have this, write
this down! Whatever this is, I have this! Half the time you don't even
know what the commercial is, there's people running through fields,
or flying kites, or swimming in the ocean. Like, that is the greatest
disease ever! How do you get that? That disease comes with a hot
chick and a puppy!
The schools now, it's all about self-esteem in the schools. Build the
kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If
everybody grows up with high self esteem, who's gonna dance in our
strip clubs? What's gonna happen to our porno industry? These women
don't just grow on trees, it takes lots of drunk daddies missing a lot of
dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty
bucks. And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday
with my new high speed connection?
Sing sing sing... Sing your song... Sing for me... (Come on now, sing)
Sing sing sing... Sing your song... Sing for me... (Sing sing sing...)
Mastermind's not a word that comes up all the time, you keep hearing
about these, ah, these terrorist masterminds that are being killed over
in the middle-east. Terrorist masterminds! Mastermind is sort of a lofty
way to describe what these guys do, don't you think? They're not
masterminds! "Okay you take bomb, right? And you put in backpack,
then you get on the bus and you blow yourself up." "Why do I have
to... blow myself up? Why don't I put, uh --" "Who's the fucking
mastermind here, me or you?!"
Americans, let's face it, we've been a spoiled country for a long time,
you know what the number one health risk in america is? Obesity!
Obesity! They say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic. An
epidemic! Like it's Polio! Like, we'll be talking to our grandchildren
about it one day, the great obesity epidemic of 2004. "How'd you get
through it, grandpa?" "Oh, it was horrible, Johnny, there was
cheesecake and pork chops everywhere."
Nobody knows why we're getting fatter, look at our lifestyles. I'll sit at
a drive-thru, I'll sit there for, I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars
instead of getting up and making an eight foot walk to the totally
empty counter. Everything's mega-mealed, super-sized, "Want
biggie fries with that, want a jumbo-fry, wanna go large, want a
biggie fry, wanna have thirty burgers for a nickel, you fat
motherfucker? There's room in the bag, take it! Want a fifty-five
gallon drum of coke with that? It's only three more cents!"
Sing sing sing... Sing your song... Sing for me... (Come on now, sing)
Sing sing sing... Sing your song... Sing for me... (Sing sing sing...)
Sometimes you've gotta suffer a little in your youth to motivate you to
succeed later in life. You think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do
you think there'd be a Microsoft? Of course not! You've got to spend a
long time stuffed in your own locker with your underwear wedged up
your ass before you start thinking: "I'm gonna take over the world of
computers, you'll see! I'll show them!"
We're in one of the richest countries in the world and the minimum
wage is lower now than it was thirty-five years ago. There are
homeless people everywhere, this homeless guy asked me for money,
the other day, I was about to give it to him, and I thought: he's just
gonna use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought: That's what I'm
gonna use it on! Why am I judging this poor bastard? People love to
judge homeless guys. Like, you give him the money and he's just
gonna waste it, he's gonna waste the money. Well he lives in a box!
What do you want him to do with it, save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a cd rack? He's
homeless! I walked behind this guy the other day, a homeless guy
asked him for money, he looks right at the homeless guy, he goes:
"Why don't you go out and get a job, you bum?"
People always say that to homeless guys, get a job. Like it's always
that easy. This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his
pants. I'm guessing his resume ain't all up to date. I'm predicting
some problems during the interview process. I'm pretty sure
McDonalds has an 'Underwear Goes Inside The Pants' policy Not that
they enforce it very strictly, but technically, i'm sure it's on the books.
Sing sing sing... Sing your song... Sing for me... (Come on now, sing)
Baby, Sing sing sing... Sing your song... Sing for me... (Sing sing sing...)
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