Kevin Devine Album

A good man doesn't drink
And I've been drinking alone
So what does that make me?

My hands they always shake
And no one's calling my phone
So what does that make me?

And I know the kid with his guitar
So drunk and anxious
Has been done to death
So tell me what hasn't
I'll try it

Because I'm selfish enough to wanna get better
But I'm backwards enough not to take any steps to get there

And when you realize it's a pattern
And not a phase
It's what you've become and it's what you will say
That's ballgame

'Cause I don't got room in my life for anyone else
And I've driven away all the people that could help
And I still don't even know what I need to do to fix myself

There's a clamp around my chest
That tightens every time I lapse into
Another sorry story

About my miserable collapse
A bronze box I keep encased in glass
And dust off whenever I want pity

Because I've had to come to grips with scope and figure
How my problems stack up in a world this close to ruin
(Or maybe it's rapture)

Well, either way, I realize that my shit's about as small as it could be
But that makes me feel worse for even feeling this bad in the first place

'Cause there's a war starting soon, and all the flags'll be waving
And Daniel's 20-year-old friend will be ready, and willing, and waiting
He's a Marine and he told me

And that makes me sad
Really, really fucking sad
But at least he'll act

I'll just bite my tongue and then tell Daniel to wish him luck
And pray that he comes back
For his mother's sake, and then I'll drink those thoughts away
I've gotten good at that

And when you realize it's a pattern
And not a phase
It's what you've become and it's what you will stay
That's ballgame
Remember this in the morning

I got a wolf's mouth
And it suits me
I chew the sides out
With my sharp teeth

I cut my tongue up
I make my gums bleed
I scare the people
That pay to see me
When I sing

And I see white steam
Above your blue face
It makes my hands hot
It makes my lips bake

And the sweat just makes my shirt stick
To that scratch across my ribs
That space where you fell from
And I haven't sewn up since

I'm trailing off again

And the strain just makes my face tic
And it messes with my head
That space you tore open
Well, I've had trouble closing it

A Cadillac drives down my street,
A bead of sweat pouring slow down a palm line.
I see a bumper sticker: it's a bearded man with a wanted sign
A myth we've made to scare our fears away;
A slogan that we slap on all our misdirected hate;
A muddy symbol meant to mitigate our pain,
But it's really just a desert corpse we painted on a wall out in some cave, anyway.

I don't know where he's gonna park that thing.

My neighborhood drunk's on line at the deli
With his shaky hands and swollen face he waits for his coffee.
He blacks out curbside every night, and every day crawls back toward Wall Street.
So I don't see it like it's "us" and "them"
I just see everybody working for that same eternal weekend
Droning on and on and on and never doing what we've wanted
Heavy legs, two steps behind some forever-dangling carrot.

And I'm tired of it.
Well, who's to say that we can't just fucking change it?

Well I know it seems dramatic but I treat it like a crisis --
From the office to the coffin, all our time and talent wasted
And that weight against your throat, is that a noose dressed like a necklace?
From here, I couldn't really tell the difference.

Either way, I say let's not take any chances

'Cause I don't know where he's gonna park that thing.
No, I don't know where he's gonna park that thing.
No, I don't know where he's gonna park that thing.

You were always cute
but Godd*** you got hot!
Hot enough to streak the streets white with
sunspots when you walk
And I'm still obsessed with cowboys and Indians
And you're bitin' your lip when you
lose your breath

I'm not over you yet

I know I will not call
It's this decision I've made
So I'm up all night chanting, "Vow I can't break!"
I might bite my nails so I can't scratch my face

My friends are working on avoiding me
So when we meet I keep my mouth real busy
Talk out my nervous energy
It never works
I throw darts at the wall and get sloppy

But it's alright now
If I seem surprised, it's just a joke I'm trying out
But if it floats, I guess I'll keep it around

A woman gestures lazily
Through the hoods in my eyes I see her shaking her jewelry
It casts a perfect light on me
I feel moved and that's strange
But lately, I've been acting really strangely


So it's alright now
I'm keeping distracted to blunt my reactions
And anyhow
You think less when there's less for you to think about

A paralyzed puppet sits stiff in the window
Grinding his teeth and playing piano
All his songs bleed together in a flatline blur
A broken litany of worthless words
Creating space while your drinks get served
I know it gets on your nerves
Just try to pretend like it's not work

A little denial never hurts

We're a nation full of dumbbells
Pulling nightshifts at the gym
We're a nation full of bookworm girls
Dumbing down to fall in love with them

We're a nation full of suspects
Whistling Dixie at the scene
We're a nation full of bad detectives
Selling clues to everyone we meet

We're a nation full of envy
Insecure and losing sleep
We're a nation full of jealous boyfriends
Driven by facts and history

We're a nation full of ivy
It's wall-to-wall-to-wall, all green
We're a nation full of sound byte blood cells
Bound in knots and swelling down the stream

We wrap bibles up in blankets
Just in case we're watched in sleep
But it's the slingshots underneath our pillows
That keep us calm and rested and relieved

'Cause we're a nation built on eggshells
Bandages and appleseeds
Attractive homes and top bruised foundations
That come apart gradually
Before they're leveled completely

Oh baby, baby please
I feel an urgent need to apologize
I did a terrible thing in a terrible dream
And now I can't look you in the eye

It started:
We were out on a date
And you turned to say,
"I gotta tell you something odd
I know I said we'd get married
But I'm already married"
And that's when you laughed so hard

So I turned and swung
Woke up in a shock
Nails digging blood from the base of my palms

Because people are so fickle
They fall in love at different angles
So really I could lose you just as quickly as I've gotten you
And that's the kind of thought that makes me nervous
And worried if you'll really think I'm worth it
When the rush wears off and you're left with this busted person
But if you tell me you will I will do wht I can to believe it

So baby all the things that I've seen
Last night while asleep
This morning, they're messing with me
And now I'm anxious as hell
And looking for help
Something pleasant and painless
Some story to tell
With a throughline of calm
That could stop me from being myself

'Cause all I think is how I wanna be your fever
Just to know I make you heated
'Cause I worry you might see me more like a blanket
Who's there for comfort and for cover
From the glare of former lovers
All that passion that kissed you and bit you 'til you were devoured
And I'd like to get better 'cause thinking like this is torture

And if I can't stop it you'll get sick of bearing crosses
And you'll jump to cut your losses
You'll go get quarantined somewhere far from me
Where it's much less dangerous
But maybe if I wake up and quit dreaming
I can shake and shit I'm fearing
And I can realize I'm just freaking out for no good reason
I'll tell you what:
If that's a line I can cross, once I get there, I'm not ever leaving

Marie, you got me thinkin'
Long term and being careful with my drinkin'
And looking forward to my holidays and weekends
Marie, I love the way you got me thinkin'
But Marie, I'm always workin'
Long drives, bad food, stale air, and sudh boredom
When I get home, we'll take a trip or just sit around and do nothing
Rent a movie or something
Whatever gets your blood pumpin'
My Marie
You're all the pretty music that I need
So lay down on that couch and sing for me

You carry the beach in your way-too-short hair
That you shaved off last week cause you freaked and got scared
That when it's longer, you remind me of her

So you offered it up with what passed for authority
Some strict sort of challenge you directed straight at me
You said, "Forget her, I don't care what you two were"

But it's a trick on your ego
A two-step off tempo
A solid gold bracelet
Under lights, in a window
In some shopping mall where I never go

You play coy and count tiles, drag your toes through the water
Raise your eyes, bite your lip, and my mind's in the gutter
You move at me and take my face in your hands

I feel light bulbs explode in a fire-cracked thunder
Sense the slow seismic shift of the sprawling cloud cover
But when we're finished I feel awful again

So it's the same sorry story
Just the cast changes nightly
And it skips like a record but it glows like a movie
Or the country sky that I never see

The shake in your voice makes me feel empty and ugly
All scattered anger like a windstorm, howling violently
And I wanna fade out and wake up somewhere else
Where no face is familiar and I'm left by myself
To keep plugging away on my own wasted time
To eat badly and spend all my money and write
To not feel too guilty to be tired at night
Since I'm not fixing things here, I'll leave them behind
So you make your decision
I'm through making mine

Now I walk where the street swallows light like it's water
I see the slant of your smirk on every kid at the corner
But if you called, I'd never know what to say
So I just hope you never will
Things are easier that way

The longer that I'm out here the better you sound
You're scrunching up your face in this picture I found
And I'm chasing after you, steadily losing ground
I don't wanna forget so I'm writing it down

Have you ever? No, never never?
I find that hard to believe
So let's burn the furniture
To see how angry a fire could make me

Now you say that there's someone that you need to reconnect with
Some scarecrow from high school that you loved but never slept with
A baby with a pipe dream playing hopscotch on your bandages

And I'm singing all his songs while I sleep on your couch
I'm coughing up a lung but I'm covering my mouth
And I paint you on the wall
Yellow, red, green and brown
I miss you all the time but I'm blocking it out

Are you better? No, never never?
What does that say about me?
Now let's break the smoke alarm
To see how scared locked windows'll make me

So you say there's a stranger staring sideways in a deep freeze
A loner draped in ivy playing slumlord in his city dream
A faker with an art form pulling magic tricks on the weak girls up his sleeve

And I'm choking right along with the words in my throat
I'm falling back in love with the letter you wrote
And I think that I was wrong, but I guess I don't know
I figure that I'll wait until you tell me so

You get back here
You do it slowly
Do it calm, now
Don't be so angry

I got something
I've been chasing
Every day since I started walking

It just sits there
In the distance
It always flirts with the tips of my fingers

You thought that
You could love it
Until it touched you
And now you just wanna stop it

Well I'm sorry
It's not likely
It was here when you got here
And it'll be here when you're not here no more

And then some days
I get lucky
I can focus and things are less shaky

And I scrape you
Off the pale moon
And I slip you
Into soft shoes

And you tapdance
To a jazz band
On a cruise ship
Near an island

And your hair's up
You wear a short dress
And a wide smile
You're movements are careless

It's a daydream
I keep having
To make the clocks move
While I'm working

Or a bad joke
I can't sit through
And I smile because I feel like I have to

But if you'd look under the table
You'd see I'm playing with my knife
I'm slicing stripes into my kneecaps
And I'm struggling just to come off polite

We could be a snapshot framed and hung like a portrait
What if that's true and I'm the only one who knows it?

your bearings are shot
and your car'd only work like she used to
your friends don't call and they don't even bother
with offering excuses
the tv is on but its always on so its useless
its just the awful news and the sorry truth
tho we're definetely sinking
so I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you
you'll just hurt your chest and your face will turn bright blue

this is how its gonna be
this is how its gonna be
this is how it will be and theres nothing that we can do
and if you start believing then i'll stop holding my breath too

you've been praying for change but you aint been to church since the 10th grade
and you cry at your job don't believe in your voting
never celebrate your birthday
so you set up for dinner to make you feel less desperate and worthless
but your dad gets drunk so your mom throws a fit
while your man hits on the waitress
so I wouldn't waste my time if I were you
you'll just snap your spot and strip away your youth

this is how its gonna be
this is how its gonna be
this is how this will be and theres nothing we can do
if you start believing then i'll stop wasting my time too

cause you're my incentive and if you go i'll go too

So what if I'm freezing, I'm awake and I'm happy
The sun's steepling its shards on my floor
I drag my feet to the shower and I hear someone singing
I keep the lights off as the water gets warm
Now I knot up tie and toss my books in a schoolbag
They keep my priorties straight
So I can sleepwalk through work like an outpatient program
I don't buy but I'll get through anyway
And at some point I'll call you and tell you I miss you
And you are the point of my day
And my face will get flushed and my throat will choke up
When you tell me you feel the same
So I have been thinking of splitting up Christmas
To see everyone I'd like to see
And your first on that list
Your the lotto I hit
You're the star at the top of my tree
And I have been feeling this good for a reason
My friends and my family
You are all the backbone
You keep me balenced and settled
And I"m in debt to you all endlessy
So tonight I will call you and try to say
"Thank you for being the sun on my face
I know the world's almost over but you make it seem better
And I hope for you I do the same"

I never knew things could be so slow
I could wait so long
Be so still and calm
And get where I want, on your arm

Thin streaks of tar spill off your right eye
Where my fingers find
Their way there every night we sleep side by side
Your hands in mine

When you get here, it's so nice
It's just the part where you leave I don't like

Such a happy accident
A note in your sneaker at 10 in the morning
And all of my worry that you were offended
And the catch in my breath when you weren't
It's like I woke up and got handed a present
And I'm thanking you for it

In a fucking daydream,
this is what she said to me

She said, "You're like a funeral and I'm like a carnival.
I guess that's why we get along so well.
But it's also why we hate ourselves."

Yeah, it's also why we hate ourselves.

Well, it looks like we're finished now
And that makes me sad, but not enough to fold up and bow out.
You're one less song to get excited about,
but you're one less root tyin' me to rot in the ground.
I just hope the rest of you will stick around
cuz i put all of this work in and I'm not about to let you down

On a blistered tree top,
these are the first words that I coughed up.
I said, "You're living the high ground, an idealized ghost town,
a masochist fable where you can't let your guard down.
It eats you alive.
for me, that's what counts."

Yeah, it eats you alive
and for me that's what counts

Well, it looks like you're quittin' now.
And that makes me sad, but not enough to fold up and bow out
You're one less song to get excited about,
but you're one less root tyin' me to rot in the ground.
I just hope the rest of you will stick around
cuz I put all of this work in and I'm not about to let you down

I like to think it's funny, but I never really know when you're kidding
I like to think it's funny, but I never really know when you're kidding
I like to think it's funny, but I never, never know when you're kidding

I'm a steep in the climb
this is the message alive in my mind
"You regret what gets past you, as long as you have to.
Pretty soon it's all you know how to do."
I just hope that's not what happens to you.
And I just hope that's not what happens to you...

The lights drop
The film starts
And I can't stop grinnin'
like a punchdrunk moron on a truck driving northbound to take his girl pumpkin picking
Cuz she's in love with October
And it's got me looking at it differently
and if you knew how I'd gotten used to things then you'd know that's fine with me.

Because I'm cynical so often
it's nice to have something to be naive about.
But when they laugh, so sure and caustic
It used to knock me out
but I can't even hear 'em now.

Two pictures, two days, and what changed, what changed?
It's all of the difference that cutting you out and owning up could make
Cuz girl, you were a cancer and I've carved you out
and I never feel so sick now.

Because I'm cynical so often
it's nice to have something to be naive about.
So let them laugh, so sure and caustic
It used to cut me up
but I can't even hear 'em now.

You knock me out
You knock me out
You knock me out
You knock me out
Yeah, you knock me out

I said, "I know how things can crumble
and I know how things can drown
but how long will it take me to turn my life around?"

I used to sing, "I know how things can crumble
and I know how people drown
but how long will it take me to turn my life around?"

But now i sing, "I know how people crumble
and I've seen how people drown
I've got so close but I'm starting
to turn my life around, around, around"