Bo Burnham Album

Yo, walkin' my poodles, man, it never gets old.
With my dogs on my leash, I got bitches on the hold,
A first-AIDS kit? That's a rhesus monkey.
I bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie.
Get more ass than a giant donkey stable,
Got more lines than Whitney Houston's coffee table.
I get more head than grammar-school lice.
I'm like a walkin' glacier, I'm so decked out with ice.

Did you poop a virgin? 'Cause that shit is tight.
Jack ain't black, and Barry ain't white.
I do drugs in the bedroom, lie on your back
Cause I got the pipe and you got the crack.
Though I'm sexually straight, you're bound to find,
I'm mentally gay, cause I'll blow your mind.
The parents be snickerin', "He shouldn't have written it,"
But I'm constipated, couldn't give a shit.

Yo, my name is Bo, fo sho, a born Bostonian,
Aryan librarian at the wordsmith-sonian
The rap is scattered, it hides its ingenuity,
I gave it this little part to give it continuity.

And the fellas say, hey, moron, pass the gin
'Cause I'm an OXYmoron breathing OXYgen.
Give me the bottle, I'll chug two-thirds,
'Cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words

Hey, look at that, okay
And the ladies say,
Hey fellas, I'm keepin' it tight, and if you play your cards right, you can have me tonight.
Should I blow you or beat you, brass or percussion?
Oh, stop, period, end of discussion.

My name is Bo, fo sho, a born Bostonian,
Aryan librarian at the wordsmith-sonian.
The rap is scattered, it hides its ingenuity,
I gave it this little part to give it continuity.

Walking through the garden with food at my feet,
Picked up the celery, but dropped the beet (beat).

Oh, and then I picked it up.
Let's end this thing right.

Yo, we're in the hood, I'll take what you give me.
Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.
A smart queen's kingdom (dumb), it doesn't mix.
A litter of literates, a bunch of Moby Dicks.
"Get thee to a punnery," o-just to-pheelia
Take you with a condom, "stainless-steal" ya.
Half a pound of turkey breast, half a pound of chicken tits,
Why are only crackers staying at the Ritz?
Poverty, racism, isn't it strange,
Only the homeless are beggin' for change?
I shocked Sherlock
What, son? (Watson)
Rosa Parks didn't call "shotgun"!
Well, here's a bit of irony
A Ford Focus driver's got ADD.
How'd I come to master all these things?
Like a tampon thief, I had to pull some strings.

well i'm the girl for every high school guy
yeah, i got everything
a little shirt and a skirt so high
every month you can spot a cotton tampon string

i'll drop my books and then i'll bend
and then i'll bend a little more
everybody thinks ashley's my best friend
well that bitch is a whore

with a capital H-O-A-R
ignorance is bliss
who needs feminism, with an ass like this?
and a capital H-O-A-R
you guys liking what you see?
'cause if beauty's on the inside
you might as well go inside me

well i'm the guy for that high school girl
yeah, partyin' is my life
in a few hours i'll be hittin' the gym
and in a few years i'll be hittin' my wife

"ya know, i like to hang loose"
"no way, so does my crotch"
"well i hope you brought your man juice, 'cause i bought scotch"

with a capital one no hassle card
stolen from my dad
dignity's overrated
self respect's a fad

well i'm like a game of baseball
'cause there's something you might catch
well, and if you put out
i'd say that we're a perfect
i'd say that we're a perfect
i guess that we're a perfect match
a perfect match
a perfect match

High school party, senior year
Boys and girls are all sippin' on beer
I like soda, where's the soda? Am I the only fucking person here that likes soda?

I see her from across the crowd
I said the party is bumpin' and the music is loud
You're really drunk and you're lookin' sad... It's like a date rape ad

Girl, then we start to dance and
Girl, baby this is romance
Girl, I'm startin' to grow down below
Shit, why did I wear sweat pants?

Girl, you're body's like what conjunction junction
That's a fine ass, butt (but)
I'm like a cashew in a lollipop
Just keep suckin' till you get to the nut

And I said let's rob an Asian kitchen
Or stroll down the block
Either way girl, we're takin' a wok (..Nothing?)
You're gonna love me the way my uncle did
Except you're not gonna go to court for doin' it
Be a guillotine or my girl instead
Either way you're givin' me head

I'm gonna love you, baby the right way
Shorty with a body lookin' hotty when I say girl
When I say girl

We go into the bedroom exchanging nervous laughter
Why's it called dry humping, if I always need a towel after?
You spread your naked legs and I see that wound that never healed
Even though you're yellin' for me, I can tell your lips are sealed
We're both aware of my erection, you ask if I have protection

I say:
"Well no, I tried to buy them once
I was in the convenience store
My old babysitter walked in
I had to hide them near the Tic-Tac's
I was so embarrassed, I peed myself a little bit"

Girl, girl

Insert a euphemism
A sexy mental prism
Increase my pelvic rhythm
Fill you with my syllogism
I know your body and I know how to please you
Don't thank me, thank Wikipedia

Guys don't go down, well I am-
What the fuck is that? I should have brought my diagram
Ooh... Did you feel that? That was an educated guess
Ooh... Did you feel that? Uh, that one was a sneeze, my bad

High school party, senior year
None of that happened 'cause I wasn't invited..

Let's do it
Yo, yo, yo, what's up
Word to my n-words

Don't got bros, don't hang on the streets
I don't beat my hos, I only beat my meat, yeah
Don't womanize cause you know it's true
that when you look in their eyes you see they're people too
Mother effin' suffrage!
I said mother effin' suffrage!

You know I'm a gangsta, you know I do Coke,
but I had to go to diet, cause it burnt my throat.
I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life,
except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike, yeah
I said the car is my bike.

yo yo
3.14 apple pi,
I say I whip it out, I clean it off, I stick it in her eye,
and by "it" I mean contact lens.
It must have got dirty.

yo yo yo
3.14 apple pi,
I got rhymes and flows that make Hitler cry.
George Bush won't, he'll just yell and rant
but he's a presiDONT who ameriCANT.

Oh my lord, the kid is on, he is clever, c'mon give it to him.

I spit gangsta hymns, cause I'm a gangsta straight,
I think of 20 inch rims when I masturbate.
We're gonna be late, there's no time to waste,
cause the girls that I date, have a particular taste.
The taste of my weiner!
The taste of my weiner..

Yo
3.14 apple pi
Why was I born white no one quite knows why,
Gansgstas sell their rocks, I got a collection.
You couldn't get a rise out of a yeast infection.
Ooh, what does that mean? Yeast rises

Yo
I'm a lyrical heretic, but I'll make you laugh
I'll hit you with rhetoric, then I'll cut you in half.
I don't need to be a clown, I don't need to be nice,
How bout you sit down and I serve you a slice...

of my 3.14 apple pi
My voice is so smoky it'll make you high...
Yo, here's a confession, it's all about me,
Here's my impression of a broken jet ski..

Pu da da da da da da ...
Fill me with gas.
I'm a jet ski.

Here come the puns
Here come the puns
Here come the puns
Here come the puns

All you little thugs wanna mess me with me,
know that I've been doin' drugs since the age of 3.
I took my cereal, stabbed it open with a knife.
Snorted that shit and I got high on Life.
Yo A guy asked me for change, saying my mind was too dense.
I said you won't make cents if you don't make sense. Oh, look at that.
Big finale, let's hit it...

You know I flow it and show it, you know that Bo know it,
Yo, your lawn I'll mow it and grow it cause he's a sho' poet.
Yo my rims be spinning I winning, like Adam I be sinnin'.
Potato skinnnin' and knittin' and separate those linens.
And in my eyes you see flies, and though you people tries
Just to disguise all your lies, but baby I be wise.
you know I did it and shit it you brothers couldn't hit it,
Then you try to rid it, too late! I already spit it.
Patooey

I already spit it.

I said apple pi.

alright kids, welcome to your first sunday school class
let's get right into it

did you know that jesus died on the cross
just to keep you from masturbating
and did you know that prior to 1960
he frowned on interracial dating

well my name is bobby johnson
and i teach about god's loving wrath
and though i try to live by the bible and what it says
i think i might have stumbled from the path

because i'm gay for jesus
creator of all good
a charitable carpenter
that's why hes givin me wood

i'm gay for jesus
let the people rejoice
but it's not about lust, i don't wanna nail him
that was a poor word choice

did you know satan wears a cape
made out of a rainbow flag
and did you know that jesus hates abortions
unless the kid was a f... jew

well i try to live by the bible
but it tells me that my thoughts aren't right
but those particular pages might be stuck together
from the little bit of sinning i did last night

because they told me to love jesus
i chose an alternative route
well i was so sad when he was in that cave
but i was thrilled when he came out

well i'm gay for jesus
fill me with your grace
i said pour your love all over me
but please aim away from my face

Everytime i go to dinner
it seems like I'm getting a little bit thinner
I'll sit down at the breakfast table
i can talk, well they're not able
When i look at them i find
there's a single question on their mind.
i wish it could go back to the way it was
its not easy now because...

My whole family thinks I'm gay
i guess its always been that way.
Maybe its cause of the way that i walk,
that makes them think that i like ... boys
That I like boys

The goddamn question just wont go away
and i get asked every single day
but the way they ask it is no disguise,
like "How was your day? Do you like to kiss guys?"
This is the worst, baby this was my fear
Now their opinions are crystal clear, because

My whole family now is shocked,
I'm in the closet and the door is locked.
Now my glory days are gone,
I was John Elway now I'm Elton John.

My whole family now suspects,
Watching spongebob had side-effects.
I'm not gay and that's what i said,
If I'm gay, hey god strike me dead.

Just cause I'm on the cheer leading team,
And my birthday party had a Broadway theme.
When I go outside, what do i see?
That the clouds in the sky spell "F-A-G"

Because, I think that God might think I'm gay,
What does he know anyway.
My grandma gave me a present just last year,
and the card said, "Happy Birthday queer!"

My whole family thinks I'm "fab"
There's a guys butt, hey Bo, take a stab!
Why doesn't he get women, there's no other way,
Its cause I'm lanky, not cause I'm gay.
Not cause I'm gay

Just cause I'm afraid of the snow,
Or my favorite color is, the rainbow.
I don't mean to yell but i fear i must,
Cause I'm losing the people that i thought i could trust.

Because, even my boyfriend thinks I'm gay ... just kidding

You all probably think I'm gay,
Man this song is counterproductive ...
la la la la la…

Because my whole family thinks I'm gay,
What did they know anyway?
You gotta look right through the haze,
Easy-Bake oven was just a phase.

My whole family thinks I'm queer,
That is all I ever hear,
But I've been as straight as a ramp,
If you dont count Bible camp.
Bible camp
I'm not gay I swear