Half Man Half Biscuit
"National Shite Day"


Pulling the ice axe from my legI staggered onSpindrift stinging my remaining eyeI finally managed to reach the stationOnly to find that the bus replacement service had broken downAfter wondering to myself whether it should actually be called a train replacement serviceI walked out onto the concourse and noticed the giant screen seemed to have been tampered withProbably by a junior employeeDisgruntled commuters were being regaled with some dismal TVMInvolving a tug-of-love-custody-battleStockard Channing held swayDown in the High Street somebody careered out of Boots without due care or attentionI suggest that they learn some pedestrian etiquettei.e sidle out of the store gingerlyEmbrace the marginFat kids with sausage rollsPoor sods conducting pollsThere’s a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in MilletsI try to put everything into perspectiveSet it against the scale of human sufferingSongtexteAnd I thought of the Mugabe governmentAnd the children of the Calcutta railwaysThis works for a whileBut then I encounter Primark FMOverhead a rainbow appearsIn black and whiteShite DayI guess this must be National Shite DayThis surely must be National Shite DayDon’t tell me, it’s National Shite DayFloat… float onFloat… float onBarry… HerpesI got a letter from Stringy BobStill on suicide watchScrews not happySpotted a Marsh Fritillary during associationWas roundly ignoredWhat news youI felt sorry for himHe’d only been locked up for public nuisance offencesOne of which saw him beachcombing the Dee EstuaryFound a dead wading birdTook it home, parcelled it up, and sent it off to the rubber-faced irritant Phil CoolWith a note inside which read: “Is this your Sanderling?”Another time saw him answering an advert in the music press“Keyboard player required: Doors, Floyd, etc.Must be committed, no time wasters”You can guess the restI always imagined he would simply wander off some day into the hillsTo be found months laterHis carcass stripped by homeless dogsHis exposed skull a perch for the quartering crowI folded away the letter and put it in my inside pocketAll of a sudden I felt brushed by the wings of something darkMay the Lord have mercy on Stringy BobShite DayI do believe it’s National Shite DayIt all points to National Shite DaySomeone’s declared it National Shite DayShite DayMy birthday! On National Shite DayNo bogroll, it’s National Shite DayCue drumroll, it’s National Shite Day